Episode 206: Cheers to “The Talk” for High-Achieving Students

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Hello, my teacher friends!  Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast: a space dedicated to enriching YOUR teacher life through the voice of my encouragement and experience.  My name is Christina Whitlock, and I have already declared myself to be your ANYTIME piano teacher friend.  It’s my pleasure to be in your ears today, so let’s get right to it!  You are listening to episode 206 of The Beyond Measure Podcast:  Cheers to “The Talk” for High-Achieving Students.

The other day, I had a teenage boy arrive for his lesson in quite a state. I gather there had been some heated squabbles with his siblings leading up to his lesson, which probably escalated to arguments with his parents… and, in general, I could tell he had NOT had a good day.

As I asked him to begin his technical work, we happened to make eye contact for a split second and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.  This is SO FAR from his usual demeanor, it really struck me.

This was one of those instances where I managed to connect a whole bunch of dots within a matter of seconds.

It hit me: Here is a kid who has had a rough day.  Furthermore, he was clearly feeling off his game.  This is someone who is used to consistently achieving big things. And he’s expected to.  He has a WONDERFUL family… so this is not a dig on his upbringing… but it is one of those naturally competitive families where everyone seems to push one another to a very high standard of character and performance in whatever they do.  None of them are mediocre in ANYTHING they are part of.  

He is wildly impressive by all accounts, but as he warmed up on his scale patterns, it dawned on me how much pressure he must feel.  How much he must FEAR that idea of mediocrity.

And, friends, that’s a lot to carry at 16 years of age.  Some of us know that feeling (ahem).

I have to say – I love this kid.  He is a good thinker and he has a great sense of humor.  He gets my sarcasm and I can give him a pretty hard time and he keeps a great attitude about it.

But that moment we locked eyes a few weeks ago and I saw those tears forming?  Ugh. I can still see it… and it broke my heart.

AND – it sent me on a mission.

After he finished his warm-ups, I said, “It’s time for The Talk”. 

I could tell he was not as prepared as he would like to be for his lesson. His fear of disappointing me…  and of looking less-than-perfect was radiating off of him.

I said, “Here’s the deal:  I know you like to achieve big goals and do impressive things.  I love you for that. You excel in everything you do because of that. Holding yourself to high standards and expecting the very best from yourself is a wonderful thing.  But I need you to know this: Music is bigger than any of that. Music is not about achievements.  It’s not about gold medals and first-place finishes, it’s about expressing yourself in ways we can’t do with words or anything else.  Music is about embracing and connecting with our most-human selves.  It’s quite the opposite of achievement, actually.  It’s about exploration and expression.

So for the next 45 minutes, I need you to let go of all of those expectations you place upon yourself.  You WILL achieve great things in this lesson because you ARE a good musician.  But you have to give that junk up.  Save the pressure for calculus class because THIS is not THAT.  Okay?”

Friends.  Isn’t it great when you manage to say all the right things at the right time?  I don’t always nail it, but I kid you not; this kid’s ENTIRE demeanor changed.  I am quite convinced those were the best words he could have heard at that time.

…and, over the last few weeks, that scenario seems to keep repeating itself in my studio.  I’ve ended up giving that speech at least 4 more times… and I’m sure I’m not done.

As I’m recording this, we’re late into the winter season and the many pressures of springtime performances loom ahead.

Academic pressures are ramping up as students head into their last semester of the school year.  Spring semester is ALWAYS more academically-intense than Fall semester, right?

Social pressures are escalating this time of year, too.  There are school dances and winter stir-craziness and all kinds of other things that ARE creating noise inside your students’ brains.

As we all know, as studio music teachers, we deal with A LOT of high-achieving students. Students who excel in music often excel in lots of things.  Many times, our strongest students also carry the heaviest academic loads and feel a lot of pressure to achieve greatness in a large number of activities.

It’s easy to love these students; they’re naturally hard-workers, and they contrast the OTHER end of the student spectrum that we ALSO see a lot of: those who just want to have fun and don’t want to practice.

Doesn’t it seem like our students tend to fit one extreme or the other?  It’s fascinating…

Either way, I tell my students on repeat that piano lessons are a NO GUILT ZONE.  We are not here to have *another* thing to feel like we’re falling short of.  Instead, we’re here to explore our humanity.  To learn what we can do when we try.

If you are one of the many teachers who have students preparing for festivals and competitions and recitals… will you please do me a favor and make sure you talk with your students about THE ACTUAL POINT of making music?

Yes, it is GREAT to perform well for a judge.  It is ADMIRABLE to achieve high marks and distinguish yourself from other musicians.  It is great to have a performance deadline because – let’s face it – many of our students NEED that deadline to complete anything.  There is MAGIC in achieving repertoire you didn’t think you could pull off.  I LOVE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

But NONE OF THAT matters to me if a student only sees music study as a stressor.  Or if they see music as a series of checkmarks to complete.

I need my students to understand THE ACTUAL POINT of making music. And, friends, over-achieving has nothing to do with it.

Let’s call it what it is: It’s obvious here I’m trying to help my students learn the thing that *I* most needed to learn when I was young. Right? Growing up, I felt like I was only as good as my last performance.  Music was my source of validation.  The older I got, the more I glorified the whole “tortured artist” persona. I thought being a musician WAS a sacrifice.  I had a professor in undergrad tell me that if my personal life wasn’t in shambles I wasn’t giving enough of myself to my music AND I BELIEVED HIM. 

…some of you think this sounds crazy… but others of you know exactly what I mean.

I’m here to tell you, friends: Happy people CAN be happy musicians. We can have a rotten performance and still be great musicians.  We can be successful in this artform WITHOUT shaming ourselves and feeling guilty for doing anything outside our practice room walls.

It took me a LONG time to figure this out for myself.  I want my students to know this NOW, don’t you? 

…but wanting it for them is not enough.  We have to MODEL this. We have to TALK about this, and we have to make sure our actions and our expectations support these beliefs.

When a student feels like a disappointment because they didn’t achieve what we asked them to?  No good comes from that. 

There’s SUCH a line here, right? The answer is not to have lower expectations for your students.  That’s not what I’m saying…  

…but to make sure our students know they are musicians, regardless of achievements?  That’s the goal, friends.

Music is bigger than accomplishments.  Over-achieving has its place, but that sense of striving is NOT the goal of music study.  Today, I hope I’ve encouraged you to “The Talk” with your high-achieving students.

Let’s take a quick toast today, friends, before we celebrate our TEACHER FRIEND OF THE WEEK!  

Studio Music Teacher Friends from all around the world:  Today I’m encouraging you to harness the ability to DO BETTER for your students. The things you struggled with as a young musician?  The lessons you wish YOU had learned sooner?  We can help our students do just that. It’s an incredible honor to be part of breaking the tortured artist stereotype.  Today I raise my glass and shout it from the rooftops: MUSIC IS BIGGER THAN OUR ACHIEVEMENTS.  Here’s to music as the ultimate expression of our humanity, friends. Here, here.

I’m excited to celebrate a new Teacher Friend of the Week!  Today’s TFOTW is the fabulous Amber Saldivar.  Amber is a faithful contributor to my Patreon Community, and consistently impresses me with her meaningful insights into our students and our work.  Like all of us who listen to this show, Amber cares deeply about her students. She once shared with me that, when a student leaves her studio, she will honor the time she’s spent with that student by painting a rock. A lot of people paint rocks as a creative practice, and there was something about the way Amber uses that ritual to put a close to a student relationship that really touched me. We all struggle with having to close chapters of our TeacherLives when students quit lessons, and I think having a go-to creative practice can really help us process those emotions.  For more on making peace with student exits, be sure to check out Episode 039 of this podcast, and consider joining the Patreon Community because this is the kind of stuff we talk about each month during Teachers Teaching Teachers.  Head to ChristinaWhitlock.com/support to sign up!  And – congratulations to Amber Saldivar for being our Teacher Friend of the Week.

That will do it for today, my friends!  Onward and upward to better understanding the HUMANITY in what we teach.