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Episode 125:  Cheers to Music Study as the Ultimate Comfort

Hello to my dearest teacher friends!  Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast – with ME, Christina Whitlock.  I’m your host AND your self-proclaimed ANYTIME Piano Teacher Friend and today I wanted to address what has sometimes become a misnomer in our profession.  I’m a little nervous I might step on some toes today, so – sorry in advance, but also – if something about this conversation rubs you the wrong way, I would strongly encourage you to dig deeper and figure out WHY.  Okay… so, with THAT disclaimer out there, let’s get on with it.  THIS is episode 125:  Cheers to Music as the Ultimate Comfort.

– before we go any further – I wanted to tell you… it is TEACHER APPRECIATION WEEK here in the US!  And – I don’t know about you – but by and large, studio music teachers often get forgotten in the whole teacher-appreciation mix. Right?  And – I mean – no one loves school teachers more than me, so they can GET all the love.  But I want to do something for us independent music teachers…. so I’m going to re-open the private facebook group I ran around Thanksgiving time. I’m changing the name to Teacher Friends of Beyond Measure Podcast.  If you were part of that group last November, it should come back in your feed automatically.  If you didn’t get the chance to join in the fall, just search up Teacher Friends of the Beyond Measure Podcast and you should find it. I’m hoping to give my studio teacher friends a little more love there this week.

Okay:  On to the point of today’s episode. It is no secret that private music teachers can easily start to feel like counselors of sorts.  One of my adult students regularly refers to her piano lessons as “piano therapy” and another adult student reminds me nearly every week that I’m cheaper than her therapist, but more effective.  😊  It’s a lovely compliment.  But friends, it’s INCREDIBLY important that – all jokes aside – we need to recognize that we are NOT, indeed, licensed counselors or therapists.  Now that I say that – A FEW OF YOU actually ARE – ha!  I’m thinking of Amber, one of my Patreon community members, who is LEGIT a counselor AND a piano teacher.  Some of you do hold qualifications – but MOST of us do not.

Now – do plenty of us FEEL like we might as WELL be therapists?  Of course!  We’ve probably all joked that our job is akin to counseling. There’s something about studying music that brings out EVERYTHING.  I remember telling my roommates in college that there was NEVER hiding ANYTHING from my piano professor.  If I was struggling with ANYTHING in my life, it would end up coming out in my lessons. I give massive props to my collegiate professors because they hung in there with me through some very emotional years of Christina development.  Ha!

And I remember the first time I felt like I was REALLY able to help a student come to terms with her emotions in a piano lesson. I’d been teaching for several years, and I was working at a multi-teacher studio, with a student who had only recently transferred onto my roster.  She was one of your typical perfectionist-type piano students.  Relatively serious, but also friendly and insightful.  Well, one day, she showed up to her lesson and she just BURST into tears.  (do you remember the first time a student cried on YOUR bench? It’s always a bit of a surprise…) She eventually unloaded on me that she’d received a bad grade on a test and she was really worried about what her parents were going to say… you know, very typical middle school overachiever type-stuff. Anyway, we did not play the piano that entire lesson.  I just let her talk through her feelings, I tried to offer advice where I could… and before she left, the tears were gone, and she THREW herself into my arms on her way out the door.  She became a very dear student to me over those years I taught at that store.

Anyway, this sounds really nice and sweet, right?  Piano teacher success story.  Well, actually, friends…. I have to tell you, I don’t do that kind of stuff anymore.  Yes, she left feeling better… and yes, our relationship was stronger for having that experience.  It wasn’t all bad.  But I missed a really key life lesson for her… and it happens to be the life lesson I was ACTUALLY paid to do that day.  I missed the chance to show this student what a REFUGE music could be in her life. In all the listening I did, and all the talking I’m SURE I did… I missed the opportunity to teach her about how MUSIC can be our lifelong companion when we are struggling.

I imagine all of us have memories of times music was an escape for us.  I’m pretty sure that has a great deal to do with why we are in this profession today.  I know that’s true of me.  I ABSOLUTELY want my students to understand the mental health benefits of playing an instrument.  To have a way to express ourselves outside of words.  To have a world to immerse ourselves in when we need a break from difficult realities. To have something that we can plug away at and have TANGIBLE SUCCESS in when we’re questioning our purpose.  Those are all KEY realities for young people  – and, sometimes, not-so-young people. And I DO NOT want to miss the opportunity to make sure my students know what a true comfort and a true friend music will be to them for their entire lives.

And do you know the best way to accomplish this?  When your student shows up having a bad day… and notice, I said WHEN, not IF… but when your student shows up having a bad day, sure: you can listen to them.  You can let them air their frustration or their concern or their heartbreak.  That’s fine. That’s human.  But that should not need to take up an entire lesson. It should only need a few minutes.  And then – even if your student says, “I just don’t feel like I can play ANYTHING today..” – even then – I think you CAN get them back on the musical horse and help them see firsthand how much better they feel after spending some quality time with their instrument.

Now – it’s possible you are hearing this and you’re thinking, “Um, right. THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Who would do anything otherwise?”  And – again – the answer is LOTS OF US.  Myself absolutely included.

When we care about our students as deeply as we do, OF COURSE it’s our nature to want to help them.  So we let them talk.  And we give them our best advice.  But I have to tell you friends, that is DANGEROUS territory.

I think it’s safe to say that at least 80 or 90 percent of my studio families come to me LARGELY because they appreciate the positive role model I am for their children.  I know they feel as though their children are safe here, they will not hear or see anything they wouldn’t want them to hear or see… and, by and large, I would say they TRUST me to help guide their children in a positive approach to life.

But even still.  They do NOT pay me to be their child’s counselor.  And – even though I might feel SO sure in my heart of hearts that I KNOW what is best for a student, that is NOT my place.  So I will listen on those occasions when my student needs to get something off their chest.  I’m a serious empath so I can’t help but soak up their emotions the second they walk in the door.  I will be empathetic, I will be a safe place for them to speak. But then, after a few minutes, I will guide their attention back to the piano.

We might start with a breathing exercise.  We might start with some improvisation.  We might start by sightreading some really simple, but satisfying music.  I might give them a moody chord progression and let them play it over and over and over as they work their emotions out through the music.

I just want to remind you today, friends… that many times, the BEST thing we can do for emotionally-heavy students is to BRING THEM BACK TO THE MUSIC.  Talking is great.  Knowing you are a soft place for them to land is important.  But helping them work through their big life questions AT the instrument?  THAT is a gift we are UNIQUELY QUALIFIED to bring the world.  Isn’t it?

Let me give you an example.  A few months ago, I had a student show up for her group piano class in uncontrollable sobs.  Poor kid broke my heart.  After she arrived, her mom texted me that their cat had died that day, and my student had pretty much just found out about it.  The mom said she would stay in the driveway in case she couldn’t make it through class.

So – I got my other three students started on their assignments, and I sat with my devastated student in an adjacent room.  I told her to tell me about her cat.  I asked his name and how long she’d had him. I asked if his death was a surprise.  I gave her a good, long hug and told her I knew these are some of the hardest days.  Because they are.  She told me she didn’t think she could play piano that day, and I told her that was totally fine if she didn’t feel up to it.  BUT – I asked if she was willing to give something a try, and she said yes.

I told her to go back to her piano, put her headphones on, and begin playing her scales around the circle of fifths. I asked her if she could try to pay special attention to a particular physical sensation with each new scale she played.  As in, maybe she starts in C and focuses on the texture of the keys under her fingers.  As she moves on to G, she focuses on the strength in her nail joint, and how tactically satisfying it is to play a really even scale.  Maybe D brings with it a focus on her breath.  How deeply is she inhaling?  How long is she exhaling?  Then she can focus on how her shoulders feel as she plays the A scale… etc. etc.

My HOPE was she would find some calm and some grounding in this ritual of scales. She seemed willing to try… afterall, she plays all her major scales with ease and it didn’t feel like a monumental request. I went on to work with some of the other students in class, and I’ll tell you what – it REALLY worked, friends.  The tears dried up, her focus shifted to the physical sensations involved with playing the piano, and she ended up being able to work on repertoire and ensemble pieces that day.  As a bonus, her mom could NOT BELIEVE she made it through the entire lesson, or that she left my studio without the red, puffy eyes she’d entered with. That TeacherMagic I talked about last week?  Oh it was flowing that day…

Now, look.  I’m not always that successful.  I’m actually really awkward when people are hurting. I love words.  Words are kind of my thing.  But when it’s obvious there ARE no words to make someone feel better, I have a tendency to get SUPER awkward. But – this one occasion – I’ll claim it as a big win.  I didn’t ask my student to ignore her emotions.  I didn’t tell her to stop crying.  I just helped her focus on the here and the now, in hopes that she WILL remember that day when music served as a balm to her hurting heart.  Where focusing on a ritualistic playing of scales was able to bring her calm. That’s a victory, right?

Look. I’m going to leave it there because I think it’s SO important. Music is, indeed, the ultimate comfort… and the fact that I get to help people find THAT coping mechanism?  I never want to miss a chance to do just that.

Mull that one over a bit while I close us out, okay?

Studio music teacher friends from all around the world – I’m not playing around with this idea of TeacherMagic. And – I know – I’m sure there are people out there who roll their eyes and think I completely overestimate the importance of what we do for the lives of our students… but I don’t think so.  The tenacity, the logic, the commitment required to learn a musical instrument is indisputable.  We all know it.  And MY hope today is that we never lose sight of helping our students realize WHY we are doing this.  My childhood self thought playing the piano was just a way to get attention and applause.  That’s why I stuck with it. But little did I know what a constant music was becoming in my life.  I didn’t know it was going to be one of my strongest lifelines through difficult times. And I want my students to know that.  So, when unfortunate opportunities arise, may we all help our students understand the ultimate comfort that awaits them in their music.  Cheers to THAT, my teacher friends, here here.

Ahhh – I wanted this episode to feel uplifting but I’m afraid it’s also kind of a downer, huh?  Maybe that’s perfect for this month of May when the end of the term feels SO close, and yet also SO far.  Am I right?

Well. Don’t forget to go jump into the newly-un-archived Facebook group, Teacher Friends of the Beyond Measure Podcast. You can always DM me if you have any trouble. Or email me at [email protected].  I would love to help provide some EXTRA appreciation your way via that Facebook group this week.

Thanks for listening today, my friends!  The time you spend with me each week humbles me and inspires me to work harder and harder to serve you as best I am able. Thanks for being colleagues in this life with me!  Onward and upward.   Take care.