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Episode 148:  Cheers to The Forgotten Step in Teaching Teenagers

Hello, my teacher friends!  Welcome back to the Beyond Measure Podcast.  This is me: Christina Whitlock, your host and designated Anytime Piano Teacher Friend. We’re talking about TEENAGERS in today’s episode and I’m excited about it.  The tip I’m sharing today is inspired by a point I make in a full-length presentation titled, “Busy Teens: Should They Stay or Should They Go?”.  Suffice to say, if you like this episode, there’s more where this came from.  😊  If you are interested in hearing the entire session, I’d love to come speak to your teacher organization. Head to christinawhitlock.com/speaking for more information.  And now, on with the show!  This is Episode 148: Cheers to The Forgotten Step in Teaching Teenagers.

First:  Solidarity, friends.  As always, the primary goal of this show is to say, “yeah. I get it.  I’ve been there.  I’m still there.  I see you here with me. Let’s do this together.”  Right?

SO – when it comes to dealing with Busy Teenagers, I just have to tell you:  I GET IT.  Teens are busier than ever, they are more distracted than ever, and, in general, they are leading lives that look so different from those we led at their age.

And if it drives you crazy enough, you can set a personal boundary that you’re not going to teach teenagers.  I mean, you can absolutely do that, no guilt necessary.

But if you’re listening to this show, I can pretty much guarantee you are a teacher who values that student relationship…which means, perhaps, you’d actually like to keep your students around, even after they become teenagers.  😊

I can’t solve all your teenage student problems today, but I can tell you one thing that will help you gain clarity on your journey with these students.  Are you ready?

I’m going to warn you: When you first hear this suggestion, you’re probably NOT going to want to do it.  😊  Do you remember a few weeks ago, in episode 144, we talked about focusing on things that will make lasting impact, rather than quick fixes.  Right?  Well, this is one of those.  And – bonus – it doesn’t actually take much effort; it’s just… different.

Okay: the disclaimer is done, so let’s get to it:

We are all familiar with the Student-Parent-Teacher triangle, right?   Meaning, for an optimal experience in music lessons, we need all three of those parties (Student, Parent, and Teacher) to be on the same page.

Most of us tend to reference this triangle in our work with young students.  Of course, we need parental support at home to help establish routines and expectations with our littles. As our students enter the teen years, it’s common for teachers to have less communication with parents… afterall, students are becoming more independent, most of them are attending their lessons alone, and once they start driving to you it’s likely you only see parents at special studio events.

This is the natural order of things, and it’s fine.  BUT.  It also means we – as teachers – need to be EXTRA intentional to check in with parents of our teenage students.

Do a quick scan in your brain of how much contact you have with parents of your younger students, and how much time you have with parents of your teenagers.  I can almost guarantee it’s a little lopsided.

But the thing is – with these oh-so-busy teenagers, that parental communication is actually more important than ever.  But, of course, communication is HARD.  And we, ourselves, are REALLY BUSY so any “extra” communication feels <ugh. sigh>.

My working theory is this:  The number one thing we neglect to do with our busy teenagers is to “check in” with this student-parent-teacher triangle to make sure we are all on the same page.  To make sure we all have a similar vision for what we are working towards together.

The real game of teaching teenagers is to make sure ALL THREE PARTIES of that triangle are satisfied.  Students – especially in their teenage years – need to feel a sense of autonomy.  They need to feel as though they have a say in what happens during their lesson experience.

Parents are generally bankrolling this whole operation, so they need to feel their expectations are being met.

And, of course, for the sake of our own sanity, we have to be on board with the visions of the students… and the parents… and, ourselves as educators.

That’s a lot to put together and balance, isn’t it?

Do you know what makes it infinitely more difficult?  Neglecting to ASK these students – and their parents – what they want from their lesson experience this year.

Yes, I said, “this year”. Which means, this is a conversation you need to revisit at least each year.

When was the last time you had a conversation with the parent of one of your teenagers and said, “Wow. Johnny is juggling a lot this year.  I just want to take a moment and touch base on what you want to see happen in piano lessons this year.”

Have you ever had that kind of conversation? 😊

Likewise, we need to remember to talk to Johnny.  Like, “Hey Johnny.  Phew.  Your schedule is getting crazy.  Can we talk about how you picture piano fitting into the big picture of your life this year?”

Now.  Notice I did not say this:  “Hey, Johnny!” or “Hey Johnny’s dad” … “I know this year is getting busy, but I need you to know Johnny is going to have to be pulling at least six hours of piano practice at home each week for lessons to continue to be effective.  He’s going to need to participate in the Sonatina Festival and the two studio recitals.  I expect him to learn his first fugue this year and finally nail those arpeggio fingerings consistently.”

Ahem.

Mind you – these might be COMPLETELY REASONABLE expectations for Johnny. They might very well be your goals for lessons this year. It’s important for you to name what YOU would like to see as well, and it’s fine to communicate them to Johnny and his family.  But you are just one side of that triangle, right?

The secret here is to make sure all three sides of the Student-Parent-Teacher triangle are balanced.  That we are all on the same page with our expectations and hopes for the year.

…and how are you going to know if this is the case if you aren’t ASKING?

See… it’s hard enough to keep all sides of this triangle content, but it’s nearly impossible to do so accurately if you’re not actively seeking input from those other sides.

If you’ve been around this show for any length of time, you know I have an obsession with building symbiotic studio relationships:  relationships that are beneficial for ALL parties involved.  Happy teacher, happy students, happy parents.  There’s a whole episode on that, I’ll link it in the shownotes for today’s episode.

But we can’t know if all parties involved are feeling satisfied unless we open the lines of communication and ask.  Have you ever felt blindsided by a teenager who suddenly decides to quit lessons? I’m willing to bet you have.  It’s crushing.

And it’s also somewhat inevitable in our line of work.  But I’ll tell you this:  Intentional check-ins like what I’m suggesting today go A LONG WAY towards avoiding the blindside.

So, okay… I think I’ve made my case for the need to check-in with your teenagers and their parents. But I know you’re still sitting there thinking, “I don’t have TIME to have all of these conversations.”

(Not to mention the fact that there is a certain degree of awkwardness that can come with this kind of dialogue).

Well, friend, as always, I have your back.  I’m here to make it easier on you.

I’ve designed a simple-but-effective printable for you to help guide these conversations, and it’s available to you – free of charge – at christinawhitlock.com/triangle

Here’s what you’ll find there:  Three separate documents – One for you, one for teenagers, and one for parents, to think briefly about goals for this season of life.

I think the best thing to do is to ask each side of the triangle to complete their part, then invite parents to attend one of their teens’ upcoming lessons.  Take 10 minutes or so of the lesson to compare notes: talk about what our lists have in common, what they don’t, and how you can all three work together to have the most fruitful year together.

Yes, it’s basically a parent-teacher-student conference.  I prefer to call them Team Meetings, but call it whatever you want. After your Team Meeting is up, ask parents to sit in and observe the rest of their child’s lesson.  How long has it been since that parent actually watched a lesson in progress?  Probably awhile.  😊

Here’s the real reason I love this: Yes, it gets everything out in the open and helps you – the teacher – guide this experience.  BUT, it also requires intentionality from ALL parties involved.  All sides of this triangle have to take a few minutes to really think about what they want from lessons.

….and if I know anything, it’s this:  Calling attention to what you want to see happen is an essential step in accomplishing your goals.

Basically, it prevents ANY side of the Student-Parent-Teacher triangle from going on auto-pilot.  And we ALL KNOW how easy it is for any of us to do that.

We talk a lot here on this show about avoiding auto-pilot in our own teaching.  And, I think we know how easy it is for students to work aimlessly – especially during busy seasons of life.  But this Team Meeting situation goes a LONG way towards asking parents to articulate what they want from the lesson experience, which is going to lead to more awareness and intentionality on their part at home.

That’s all a big WIN, friends.  Team Meetings for the win.  😊

…and, just because I’m all about keeping it real here, I am going to confess: I haven’t been great at doing this lately.  Funny, because I’ve been presenting to teacher groups on Busy Teenagers all year – including the advice I gave you today – and yet, as I was writing this episode, I’m feeling REALLY convicted that I’ve not been taking my own advice.  So, this is me… getting back on the horse, doing the work to make sure this really is the best year yet.

So… is this going to require you to do a little more work?  Yes.  It will take time to distribute the questionnaire and get parents to commit to coming to their child’s lesson.  It will take time for you to think about your own goals for your teenaged students.  But, this is work that comes with BIG rewards, friends.  Again, we’re trying to spend our energy on things that will last.  And strengthening that Student-Parent-Teacher triangle?  THAT is lasting stuff. THAT is investing in the lesson experience… far more than some of the other things we spend time on, for the record. 😊

…and on that note, grab a nearby glass because it’s time for a toast:

Studio Music Teacher Friends from all around the world, today we take a vow to stop trying to figure out what our students – and their families – want from the lesson experience on our own.  We can spend so much time trying to decode what a student wants to be playing… or what a parent expects from us… when, really, we just need to ask them.  Anything else is a shot in the dark.  As teachers who want to invest our energy in things that last for the long-haul, we recognize the value that comes with more intentionality on all three sides of that Student-Parent-Teacher Triangle.  I want that for me, and I want it for you.  Cheers to you, my wise teacher friends!  Here, here.

That’s a wrap on episode 148!  If you’d like to get access to that free download I mentioned, head to christinawhitlock.com/triangle.  Or, you can find it in today’s show notes – which contain links to other relevant episodes and more – at christinawhitlock.com/episode148.

Before I go, I’d just like to throw a shout-out to members of my Patreon community! This podcast is able to continue thanks to the support I receive from the members of that group.  If you’re interested in throwing a little encouragement MY way, please consider joining for as little as $3/month. I do my best to make it worth your while! You can find the link, again, in today’s shownotes, or at christinawhitlock.com/support.

That’s it for today, friends!  Onward and upward toward improving those lines of communication!  Take good care of yourselves and we’ll talk soon.