213: Cheers to Receiving Questions as Feedback

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Well, hello, my teacher friends! Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast. My name is Christina Whitlock, and I have taken the liberty of designating myself as your Anytime Piano Teacher Friend.  I love to think about the human condition, and how it shows up in the music studio.  You too?  Oh, good.  Let’s link arms and move beyond the status-quo to build valuable musical experiences that impact our students for a lifetime.  Sound like a plan?  Excellent. Let’s get on with the show.

First of all, thanks for sharing all the love after last week’s episode. I already knew lots of us identified as Indecisive Teachers, but you all just came out of the woodwork and made me feel much less alone last week. Thanks for that. 😊

One of the things that makes decision making difficult is the fact that we worry so much about what kinds of feedback we’re going to get from studio parents when we announce said decision.

It seems like a good time to remind you that QUESTIONS from parents are not always CRITICISMS, even though we take them that way. Many of us live in fear of how our clients are going to react to our policies or our instruction and that tends to make us quick to jump to a defensive position the moment a question is raised.

I’ve learned that – more often than not – parents ask questions simply to get clarification.  If you’ve made a choice… say, you’re moving to a no-makeup policy… that’s a BIG shift in the way you approach missed lessons. Parents are going to have questions. They will. Be careful that you don’t bring unnecessary drama to your life by assuming they are questioning your decision to MAKE that policy in the first place.

Chances are, questions are raised simply to seek clarification. Not to question your authority or your decision-making.

Let’s say you receive the following question, “So… just checking… there are NO makeup lessons this year? Even if we give advanced notice?”

True story: years ago, when I switched to a no-makeup policy, I had a parent say those exact words to me. I felt my fists clench…  I steeled myself for conflict… I got ready to defend my position… after all, I just KNEW someone was going to challenge this, right?

…and just as I was preparing to give her the speech I had practiced for this very push-back,  she said, “I just want to make sure I understand so I don’t bother you with requests I already know the answer to.”

Sigh.  Some parents just get it, and we love them for it, right?

Of course, there WILL be parents who question your decisions.  That’s inevitable, too.

You may get asked the same words, but in a different tone.  “So… just checking… there are NO makeup lessons this year? Even if we give you advanced notice?”

There are always going to be boundary-pushers in our world. That’s part of working with people. Being questioned about your policy does not mean you made the wrong one. Remember – most of the time, there aren’t RIGHT and WRONG decisions; there are just decisions. Take the moral qualifiers out of this.

Many people – myself included! – subscribe to a philosophy that life favors those who are willing to ask good questions.  It’s the whole adage of, “it’s free to ask!”, right?

Hear me: Someone questioning your policy does not mean they’re going to quit. It’s very possible they are trying to feel you out, trying to decide how committed you are to this choice, but that doesn’t mean they’re ready to walk.

It also bears repeating here, friends, that any time you make an adjustment to your studio to make your work a better fit for your life, there is ALWAYS the possibility that what’s best for you will not ultimately be best for every family. Losing students over a new policy is discouraging, but it does ultimately work for your good because you get to bring new students in with these expectations from the start. That is SO much easier than re-training the culture of your studio.

So here’s the crux of today’s episode: If a parent questions a decision you’ve made, it’s really important we don’t take it personally. I know, I know, that feels impossible to do, but it’s important.

Instead of taking questions or challenges as a personal afront, I need you to look at them more objectively as FEEDBACK.

If a parent questions something – seriously questions it – take note. If 12 parents seriously question the same thing?  Okay… that’s more convincing data, isn’t it?

If one parent asks what time the recital is next week, it’s nothing. If half of your studio is asking, you can take that as a note to communicate the recital details EVEN MORE than you already do.

(I know; sometimes it feels like we can’t possibly communicate these things more, but we can).

The truth is, questions help us do our job better.  Questions don’t mean we’re not respected, or that we’re not appreciated.  A parent asking about a policy doesn’t mean they don’t value you or care about you. It just means they’re seeking clarification so they can make the right choice for THEIR family, just as you are doing for yours.

You know I care about the energy you bring to your work.  You know I care about helping you spend your energy on the RIGHT things and not waste it on other stuff. That’s why episode 76: My Zero-Energy List is the number one downloaded episode of this show by a longshot.

I spend a lot of time talking with teachers.  I know the landscape of online teacher groups well, I talk to a lot of you in consultation sessions and I chat back and forth with teachers through messages and emails pretty much every day of my life.

I just have to say: These emotional reactions we are prone to in Teacher World; this immediate jump to the defensive any time we are asked a question… that energy is NOT serving us, and it’s not serving our students.  Learning to see questions for what they are is an important aspect of leading a satisfied teacher life.

There are several reasons we are quick to take offense when questions arise, and I think NAMING those reasons is the first step to handling questions better.

First of all, we’ve all spent a lot of time sweating over how our studios will react to decisions we make.  Even little things.  Many of you listening are great at dreaming up worst-case scenarios and dramatic reactions. We think we know exactly who is going to challenge us and exactly what they’re going to say.  I know; I do it too. We wind ourselves so tight over the “what if’s” of our choices. We stage confrontational conversations in our minds, preparing our comebacks that feel so certain on the horizon. Then, when that first question comes back to us, however innocent, we assume our worst fears are coming true and we prepare for combat.

Again, I say: Questions are just questions.  I want you to train yourself to repeat that in your mind any time a student or parent asks you a question.  Remind yourself, “it’s just a question”.

That said, questions DO carry with them a layer of feedback that can be helpful if we pay attention.

Maybe we weren’t as clear in our explanation as we thought we were.  That’s good to know.

Maybe we sent out an incorrect date. Thank goodness someone questioned it so we can fix it.

Maybe the question-asker thought of something we hadn’t.  It happens.

Maybe their family dynamics are changing and you didn’t know. Now you do.

All of these things are possible. And none of them are a sign of danger on the horizon. None of them are a sign of being disrespected or undervalued. These scenarios do not mean your professionalism is being questioned, or your integrity.

Repeat after me:  Questions are just questions.

Here’s another reason we react emotionally to questions: This is tricky to put into words, but I’ll give it my best shot. Sometimes we’ve built relationships with certain students and certain families where we’ve come to expect they are not being honest with us.  We’ve all had families who never seem to give us the whole truth.  For a million different reasons, we always get the impression they aren’t telling us what they REALLY want to tell us.  In extreme cases, they respond in passive-aggressive ways, and maybe they even act out in tiny micro-aggressions.  Since we are busy teachers locked into a routine, sometimes we just come to expect it from those families and we deal with it, rather than confronting it.  Little by little, we become jaded to EVERY interaction we have with that family and we just carry on like it’s normal and to be expected.

The thing is, these kinds of relationships in the studio are poison. They leave us carrying A LOT of unnecessary negative energy around. It’s always humming in the background, it makes EVERY communication more difficult, and that does NOT lead to a happy teacher life.

THESE are the families whose questions send us over the edge. Right?

If that scenario sounds completely foreign to you, I am delighted for you.  But I promise there are many teachers listening who understand exactly what I’m talking about.  And this is a bigger problem than just overreacting to questions.

Since my top priority for my studio is to build an environment of symbiotic relationships: a place where all parties involved feel like they’re appreciated and benefiting from this experience, I’ve learned I have to nip that stuff in the bud the moment I see it.  If I ever find myself feeling like I’m not getting the full story from a parent – about anything –  I will take a beat to breathe, and just ask them, “is there anything else I should know about this situation?”

If I feel passive-aggressive behavior boiling up?  Like, maybe a student showed up ten minutes early one week, so I ask them to go wait in their car until their lesson time… and then the following week the parent holds their phone up in my face and says, “LOOK. It’s 4:00. We didn’t arrive a single minute early today.”

I’ve learned I can’t just let that roll.  I need to say, “Yes! I really appreciate your waiting for your scheduled time. It’s difficult for my 3:30 student to concentrate when they feel like they have an audience member. I hope you understand.”

If we’re going to build studio relationships where WE feel respected, and where our students and their families feel respected, we have to strive for honest communications.  If you feel slighted, you need to address it.  If you think a parent is acting as though THEY feel slighted, you need to ask.

If you think a parent is judging your teaching style, you need to check in with them about it.

It’s a lot of emotional work, but it’s FAR BETTER emotional work than the empty stressing we do about how so-and-so will react to every studio announcement and the grumbling we do over dinner about how obnoxious they are.

I’ve told you before: I guard the emotional ecosystem of my studio fiercely. We’ve got too good of a thing going over here to let dramatic interactions ruin it.  I can’t BELIEVE the behavior I used to deal with from parents and students when I wasn’t willing to communicate openly.

I’m certainly not perfect, but prioritizing honest conversations about how we’re all feeling about this experience is really important to my keeping this sunny disposition you all appreciate.

And – when I feel like I have a studio full of relationships I can take at face value, and I have a history of not needing to read more into their feedback than I need to? That makes is SO MUCH EASIER to remember that questions are just questions.  Because they are.

And, again, questions contain valuable feedback for us… if we remain open to it.

Take this example:

Many years ago, I was teaching an adult student who was particularly challenging.  For the record, I consider adult students to be a sweet spot of mine. They are the ultimate human puzzle; far moreso than children, and I think I’ve made it clear that figuring out the person in front of me is my very favorite part of this profession. Anyway. I had this student who would question EVERYTHING. She was incredibly defensive, reluctant to take advice, adamant she already knew what I was going to say… you get the picture.

One day, while she was playing, I was singing along with her phrase shape as I often do.  She stopped playing, turned to me, and said, “Can you NOT sing while I’m playing? It’s really distracting.”

Especially considering the fact that she already had me maxing out my patience levels, I immediately wanted to come back with something like, “If you would shape your phrases the way I’m telling you to, I wouldn’t NEED to sing over you.”

….but that’s not exactly a helpful response, is it? So I decided to take her question as feedback. Maybe my singing her phrase shape really was distracting.  So I stopped. And guess what?  She played better.

Then I had a flashback to one of my first years of teaching.  I had a little boy get frustrated in his lesson. He was ranting about how difficult his piece was and then he said to me, “and you just make it worse over there being like, “La la laaa.”

It dawned on me that, even though I know singing along with the musical line can be helpful, for some students, it CAN be distracting.

See….her question, “Can you NOT sing while I’m playing?” helped remind me that, yeah, I need to be more aware of what I’m doing while the student is playing, and how helpful it really is.

Sidenote: that same student once asked me not to wave my arms around so much while she was playing – something I’m totally guilty of because I’m a pretty animated person – and, again, she was right.  Sometimes I just need to tone it down. 😊

I want you to really think about this, because it would have been SO easy to blow off her question and write it off as her being rude and dismissive. Especially with her overall approach to our lessons, it could have easily been chalked up to yet another challenging remark. But, instead, I thought about it. I considered the possibility that maybe she was right. And, it turns out, she was.  I think about that interaction often while I’m teaching and I’m thankful to have learned the lesson NOT to just mindlessly sing along with my student’s phrases.  I’m much more selective about when and how I do that now.

Here’s another: Let’s say Johnny’s mom asks me if I can provide more details in his weekly practice assignment. She says he doesn’t know what to work on and they would appreciate more details. What does that really mean?  It does not mean she thinks I’m an unqualified hack.  It doesn’t mean she’s disappointed in this experience.

It means practice time is not going the way Mom expects it to.  It means there’s a disconnect between what Johnny is doing at home and what she expects to see and hear. It means I should consider the notes I’m sending home more carefully.  COULD I be more specific? Probably.  If I think I’m doing an adequate job, we probably need a team conversation – Johnny, Mom and me – to iron out our vision for at-home practice and make sure we’re on the same page.  Maybe we need to have a bigger-picture conversation about what practice at home looks like in general, instead of expecting me to write every detail.

I could go on and on, but I hope today’s ramblings have helped you realize that questions should be embraced in your studio.  Contrary to what we tell ourselves, parents who ask questions are NOT trying to belittle our expertise. They are usually NOT trying to undermine our authority.

And the occasional parents who ARE?  Well, guess what: those questions are feedback as well. If a parent or student is truly seeking to insult or undermine you through their questions?  That is data telling you this is an unhealthy studio relationship and there are bigger issues on the table than the questions being asked.

But, again, those are very exceptional circumstances. By and large, if a parent is still paying for lessons, they trust you.

Please remember: We deal with the three things humans value most.  We deal with people’s CHILDREN, their MONEY, and their TIME.  We are all protective of those three things – moreso than anything else – so we are GOING to question anyone who is directly involved in those things from time to time.

If you can shake off the temptation to take questions as a personal afront, and ask yourself what information you can glean from the inquiry, you will be on your way to a MUCH happier, less-dramatic teacher life.  And I think we can ALL be on board with that, right?

Let’s toast our way out of here and celebrate a new Teacher Friend of the Week!

Studio Music Teachers from all around the world: today we acknowledge the fact that we would much rather be the one ASKING the questions than the one receiving them. And yet – since questions WILL inevitably come our way – we will move forward with resolve to meet questions with a deep breath, an open mind, and wisdom to avoid reading more into the question than is there. May we all seek to embrace questions as information. Nothing more and nothing less. Here, here.

Okay, friends!  Today’s Teacher Friend of the Week is a good one: Join me in congratulating Dr. Christina Mathis on being this week’s TFOTW.  Christina Mathis – in addition to having a great first name – has become a treasured friend to me in the online teacher world.  Christina joined my Patreon Community in January of 2024 when I was running a book study on Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and her contributions to our weekly book study chats during that time were pure brilliance. I often think of the things she said during that book study and how great it was to study those ideas together. I’ll also throw a shoutout to Christina Mathis because she has a podcast of her own, called Coffee with Christina, where she shares a great deal of vulnerability about life and teaching. You know I love teachers who keep it real and that’s why I’m saying CONGRATULATIONS, Christina Mathis, on being Teacher Friend of the Week!

If you’re interested in checking out the video chats we had during the 6-week book study on The Gifts of Imperfection, that content and SO MUCH MORE is available to you in the SuperFriends Community on Patreon. $6 buys your access to our monthly meetups on Zoom, as well as an extensive video archive and other fun stuff.  My SuperFriends on Patreon ARE the reason I’m able to produce this show so we all owe them a debt of thanks. I am planning more book studies for the future over there, so stay tuned!

That’s it for episode 213, friends!  Remember: Questions are just questions. Okay?  Onward and upward until next week!