What follows is a rough-edit of the episode, so please forgive typos and/or formatting errors.

All content is my own; requests to use this material – with proper citation – can be sent to [email protected]

Episode 253: Cheers to Managing Our Frustrations

Well hello, my teacher friends. Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast, with me: Christina Whitlock. I’ve appointed myself as your Anytime Piano Teacher Friend, because I think we ALL need more time with colleagues who understand the quirky nuances of our work. Consider me up for the challenge. Special thanks to my SuperFriends, who support me over on Patreon with small donations in exchange for some cool bonus material. If you’re interested in doing your part to keep this show on the airwaves, head to ChristinaWhitlock.com/superfriends for all the info.  Thank you, SuperFriends, for ALL the support you give me (and I’m not just talking about the dollars).

Alright, friends: let’s get on with the show. You are listening to Episode 253 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.

We’ve got to talk about managing frustrations, friends. But first, a story…

I was in line at a fast food drive thru the other day. A car was in line behind me. At one point, that car pulled out from behind me aggressively, laid on the horn, and then proceeded to park in the parking lot. I thought it was weird, but whatever. A few minutes later, I looked up and the driver – a man – was getting out of his car and he was giving me the stare down. He was saying something, I still don’t know what, and he kept punching his fists downward.  He was really angry about something. And it seems like it was directed at me. He kept his eyes locked with mine until he entered the establishment, still punching his fists downwards, and saying who-knows-what.

I’m aware this might have been some kind of mental episode on his part that had nothing to do with me? But it sure seemed like I’d done something to gravely offend him. I just don’t know what it would have been.

I’m not someone who offends people very often. I’m not usually in a position to get yelled at or fists shaken at very often at all. It’s not my favorite thing, if you can’t already tell. Surely, if this man knew me, he wouldn’t be thinking whatever terrible thoughts those were?  Surely he would know I’m not out to inconvenience or endanger him, right?

This incident aside, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how easy it’s become to de-value other people until you get to know them. The internet has made us a more combative people. We tend to assume the worst until people prove themselves to the contrary.  Like, you posted this, so clearly you are a monster and we have nothing in common. Right?

WAY back in episode 34 of this show, I gave you some ground rules for engaging in online piano teacher communities. I think the contents of that episode continue to age pretty well. I’ll link it in today’s shownotes.

One of my main points was the way that online interactions make us more cynical. They just do. We begin to carry everyone else’s experiences with us, and that becomes an overwhelming body of evidence for us to take offense at every questionable interaction in our own lives.

Specifically, we hear stories about how other teachers have been mistreated. Disrespectful parents, disinterested students, families who show up late, or PAY late… those stories are abundantly available on the internet.

So, of course, we have our own experiences, and then we read about other people’s similar experiences and all of a sudden we feel like disrespectful studio families are EVERYWHERE.  You have a student who arrives late two weeks in a row and all of a sudden they are one of “THOSE” students.

We are quick to write off families as terrible people who don’t value us as teachers. We assume they’re terrible parents. LAZY parents. They’re all out to take advantage of us, right?

Hardly, friends.

I often joke with my consult clients that, when you read a teacher’s studio policies, you’ll generally see a list of all the ways they’ve been burned in the past. Most teachers won’t think to include a policy for returned checks until they’ve had a family bounce a check, right? (Speaking from experience on that one, haha!)

For the record, we don’t, actually, want our studio policies to read like a list of things that have ticked us off in the past. There is a better way to handle them, but that’s another topic for another day.

For now, I just want to offer a reminder that everyone we encounter has value. I’ve said it a million times here: when you treat people like your favorites, they often become just that.

When you treat your students like they are hard-working and innately musical, they often become just that.

One of my favorite ideas that floats around the internet is, “My teacher thought I was smarter than I was… and so I was.”

Have I been burned on occasion? Of course. It’s going to happen. And yet –  I remain convinced that one of the primary reasons I have people trying everything they can to get onto my studio roster is because of the way I treat my families and the way I make everyone FEEL.

The way you think and speak about the people you encounter in life is more influential than you realize.

I’m absolutely preaching to the choir on this one, because those of you who listen to this show are already great about this. I guess I just wanted to offer a reminder today that everyone we encounter has value. No one in our studio – or sitting in a fast food drive-thru – is irredeemably ridiculous.

The way we talk about one another and the way we treat each other matters. We shouldn’t have to prove ourselves to one another before we earn respect and dignity as human beings. New studio parents are simply learning how to be studio parents. They aren’t stupid; they have value. Teachers in Facebook groups are asking questions. They aren’t stupid; they have value. Drivers you encounter on the road have value; they aren’t stupid.

(Always back to the driving today, right?)

Seriously though, I think online interactions have a lot in common with our interactions on the road. First of all, we ALL make mistakes when driving. Just like we ALL make mistakes in teaching and in running our studios.

And yet – when someone makes an abrupt turn without signaling, or when they miss the fact that they’re driving in a turn lane and want to come back over into your lane – aren’t we all so quick to be like, “Ugh. What a dummy”. (I know those are the words you use.)

And yet – if my husband and I are in the car together and one of us makes an oversight… we’re not immediately like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT?”  Of course not. We value each other. We know we are both intelligent people who are also capable of missing a turn sometimes. We’ll be like, “Woah, buddy… interesting move” or, “you okay over there?” or something like that. Right? I mean, that’s how you treat someone you value, right?  NOT like they’re out to get you or like they must be missing brain cells… but like a human being who also has occasional lapses in judgement.

I think more of us need to adopt, “Woah, buddy…interesting move” energy.  Or, “You okay over there?” energy. Instead of being so quick to take offense, instead of carrying with us ALL of the horror stories we’ve collected over our lifetimes, instead of operating as though studio families are out to manipulate us until they prove otherwise, let’s release all that junk, shall we?

Teacher life has enough struggles without piling more negativity on top of it all. Right?

People aren’t worthless until proven otherwise; it’s quite the opposite. Once a studio family burns you – and I mean REALLY burns you – then you can feel the feelings. But let’s be cautious not to project negativity onto people who are not intentionally trying to mistreat you, okay?

Okay. We’ve all got good work to go do, so let’s wrap up with a toast and  get on with it, shall we?

Find a glass and raise it with me now!

Studio teacher friends from all around the world: It’s possible I’m describing a very American mindset these days, but based on my interactions online, I doubt it. There are forces in the world that want to keep us negative. To keep us stewing in bitterness and fear. Those feelings only leave us feeling defensive, undervalued, and afraid. But we are music teachers – we are the MAGIC MAKERS in this world. It is our job to rise above that and remind every human being that crosses our path that they are valued. They are full of possibility. And we have their backs. May we enter this week re-ignited to treat each human we encounter in life, online, and in our cars with dignity. Here, here.

Okay, friends! That’s it for today. I want to give a special shout-out to the 50 teachers who took a chance on me and joined me for Building Better Music Readers these last 12 weeks. If you weren’t around in January when I launched that program, it’s a 12-week video series that walks teachers through micro-steps in the reading process we often overlook. I ran a trial run with THE BEST group of teachers out there and the feedback has been better than I ever could have dreamed.  I’m making a few tweaks to the material this week and hope to have it ready for mainstream purchase next week… so stay tuned!  If you ever find  yourself wondering why so-and-so JUST ISN’T GETTING IT, Building Better Music Readers is exactly what you need. I can’t wait to share it with you, and I am so grateful for those who jumped in with me back in January, sight unseen.

Thanks, friends!  Onward and upward we go!