Episode 217: Cheers to Universal Truths of Working with People

What follows is a rough-edit of the episode, so please forgive typos and/or formatting errors.

All content is my own; requests to use this material – with proper citation – can be sent to hello@christinawhitlock.com 

Well, hello there, my music teacher friends!  Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast, with me, Christina Whitlock.

I’m a firm believer that spending time with other music teachers is an important part of finding satisfaction in our work.  And yet – our overscheduled lives make it SO HARD to coordinate calendars to do so. That’s why I’m here, serving as your Anytime Piano Teacher Friend.

This show is THE PLACE for teachers who want to think about the very HUMAN elements of what we do. I hope you finish today’s episode feeling a little more connected, a little more seen, and a little more inspired to go do your own good work in your community.

So, friend, let’s get on with the show!

Today’s show is an important one; it’s a run-down of the most fundamental truths of working with PEOPLE.

People ARE our job. Sometimes we think MUSIC is our job, but, sorry. That’s not it. If you don’t know people, you aren’t going to be content in the music teaching profession.  It’s no secret that the human puzzle of what we do is what draws me to this work.  I love music, I love what it does for the soul, but more than music, I love figuring out how to help someone get from Point A to Point B. It’s true of my piano students, and it’s increasingly true of my fellow Piano TEACHERS.  I love helping YOU find YOUR Ah-Ha moments, which is probably why this show is sitting at 217 episodes and no end in sight.

So let’s talk about people, shall we?  I have a handful of Fundamental Truths to remind you of today.

First up: Everyone hates making mistakes.

This is why, when you have a student who is struggling in front of you, one of the best things you can say to them is, “Look. I know you HATE to make mistakes, right?  I get it.”

I use this line often in my teaching and you can often see an actual, physical release when you speak the truth out into the open.

What’s funny about this is – most students think THEY are the only ones who hate to make mistakes. They know, in theory, no one is perfect, including them… but having someone they value, like their piano teacher, look them in the eyes and say, “I know you REALLY hate making mistakes. I know you want to have all the right answers, all the time.”?  If you watch closely, you can see the relief across their face.

I tell my students, “Our brains are very similar this way. I hate making mistakes too. But I promise you you’re going to get this; you will work through the discomfort and come out on top. I promise.”

The process of learning an instrument is a constant experimentation. We really are like mad scientists in a lab. Try this… try that.  That worked. Oh, that did NOT.  And helping our students embrace those inevitable trials and errors is a key component to a happy lesson experience.

…which brings me to our second Fundamental Truth today:

Everyone wants to be seen and understood.

This is why TELLING your student, “Look. I know you hate not having the correct answer.” is so powerful.

EVERYONE wants to be seen and understood. This is true of your students, it’s true of their parents, and it’s true of you. We all want to be understood.

I’ve talked about the power of saying, “I know you hate to make mistakes”, but that’s just one of MANY sentiments that resonate with pretty much every student.

It’s sort of like horoscopes or personality tests that tell you something that SOUNDS specific to you but is actually applicable to everyone. It’s like saying, “You are a very loyal person”, or “You feel your feelings deeply.”

There are several things you can bank on humans feeling these days. Your students probably feel some combination of overscheduled, hurried, or busy.

They probably worry about disappointing you.

They probably consider themselves an overthinker.

There’s a good chance they consider themselves a high-achiever or an over-achiever.

That list can go on for awhile. But think about it:

When you can correctly call out what a student is feeling?  That is Teacher Magic at its finest, friends.

When you say, “I know you had state testing at school today and your brain is probably feeling like mush”, your student is going to breathe a sigh of relief that YOU GET IT.

When you tell Johnny’s mom that she must be EXHAUSTED from running him back and forth between every activity and awards ceremony known to man this past week, she is going to breathe a sigh of relief that SOMEONE SEES HER.

So, don’t be afraid to show you understand how someone is feeling. Not in a way that projects your own assumptions onto them but just showing them you are paying attention and that YOU GET THEM.

I am forever saying, “See, Johnny…this is why we get along. You and I both hold ourselves to very high standards, right?  I know. I get you.”

So there you have it. We want to be seen and understood, and so does everyone else.

Here’s another truth for you: Everyone wants someone to be interested in them.

I once heard Kelly Corrigan say, asking someone a question is the most flattering thing you can do. It shows interest. And – let’s be honest – in today’s distracted world, we are all asking each other fewer and fewer meaningful questions.

(I’m obviously talking about questions BEYOND the empty, “How are you today?”)

It always catches me off-guard (in the best possible way) when a student asks ME how my weekend was. Or how my dentist appointment went last week.  It’s rare, but it’s delightful when the tables turn and the student shows interest in the teacher, right?  And I think Kelly Corrigan is right: on some level, it’s quite flattering to know someone remembers.  Or to know they care about you beyond their piano lesson.

This is why it MATTERS when you ask a student how the Science Fair went last week. Or if they are getting any sleep now that they have a new baby brother at home.

In a world that feels more isolated by the day, asking questions out of genuine curiosity is become a lost art.

So if Johnny says he’s been sweating over a big Geometry test tomorrow, try to follow up with him next week. Make a note to remind yourself if you need to. This will help Johnny realize you are interested in his ENTIRE human self; not just how much he’s practicing each week.

Similarly, ask Johnny’s mom if they had fun at her big birthday dinner last week. It is VERY endearing to know someone is paying attention to the nuances of your life.

Get curious about your students and their families.  Not in a creepy way… maintain boundaries! 😊 Just remember, to show genuine curiosity to another human being is becoming less and less common.

This is a great way to set yourself apart from the rest of society.

Speaking of society, here’s another truth: We all wake up the main character in our own story.

I’ve said that line here on the podcast before, but it’s TRUE. It’s an affliction we all carry. We can’t help but see life through our own eyes, as though everything we experience is directly intended for our own benefit or to our detriment.

This shows up in the lesson experience ALL over the place: it means we overlook the number of pressures on our students outside of lessons because OUR point of reference for each student is their music study. We see Johnny, the music student, when Johnny is many other things, too.

It means we are quick to see how WE are being wronged in any scenario.

It means our studio families are going to make requests and decisions that benefit their family without considering the impact on us.

It means we all see ourselves as “the good guy” in every scenario, regardless of the circumstances.

The fact that we all carry Main Character Energy with us applies to pretty much every studio conflict that arises. It is at the heart of every annoyance you can think of.

If we’re not careful, it can make us quick to take offense.  BUT: staying mindful of this truth is a lifeline to working with people.  The world isn’t out to take advantage of you. Studio parents are not the enemy. Your students are not trying to disrespect you.

We are all the main characters in our own stories. When you keep that reminder front and center in your mind, it makes Teacher Life a million more times bearable.

One last Fundamental Human Truth for you today: Parents want to know they are doing a good job.

Parenthood has taught me that there is NO greater compliment I can receive than someone saying something nice about my children or the way they have been raised.

There are a million different parenting strategies out there, and we all have our opinions on what is best. The truth is, we all get to decide for ourselves what works for our families, and that is HARD, by the way. I question my parenting skills on a daily basis, so any inkling of a compliment I receive in that department is worth its weight in gold.

Here’s why this matters: We all know our students are students are going to be more motivated when they feel CAPABLE of playing. Well, when you help a parent feel CAPABLE of being a good music parent? They are going to work harder at home to support their music kid.  It’s true. I’ve seen it a million times over.

Storytime: I have a little student who is really spotty on his at-home practice.  It’s rough. Last summer, I assigned him a little arrangement of Lean on Me. Much to my surprise, he came back the next week and had CLEARLY been playing it a lot. Week after week, he came back asking to play Lean On Me (sidenote: I let him. There was a time when I would have put it off, saying, “That’s not your assignment for this week!”, but now I realize, the 60 seconds it takes us to play Lean On Me is SO WORTH giving him a win, and connecting him to the fact that he enjoys playing music).

Anyway… after several weeks of Lean on Me, I made a comment to his mom about how much he liked the piece. She said, “Oh yeah. I’ve sung him that song every night since he was a baby.”

My heart melted! Of COURSE he loves Lean On Me; it’s been a reminder of his mom’s love for as long as he’s been on this earth.  How sweet.

The point of this story is this: I could spend my energy complaining that this parent doesn’t encourage enough practice at home. And yet – I chose to take this opportunity to tell her how her evening song ritual has impacted him and how it’s made him a better musician.

Friends. Can I just remind you that parenting feels HARD, pretty much all the time. Anything you find to encourage a parent about, just do it, okay?  I can’t tell you how endearing it is from the studio family’s perspective when you take opportunities to tell them when they’re doing something well. Or when their child behaved respectfully, or impressively… or whatever. And, when they feel capable, they’ll continue to do better.

When a parent is made to feel guilty or scolded? That never ends well, friends. Not a good plan.

So, friends, there you have it. A rundown today of some of the most fundamental aspects of working with PEOPLE.

I’ll recap them for you one more time:

• Everyone hates making mistakes
• Everyone wants to be seen and understood
• Everyone wants someone to be interested in them
• We all wake up the main character in our own story
• Parents want to know they’re doing a good job

I’m dying to know if there’s anything YOU would add to this list.  If you are listening on Spotify, you can actually add a comment to podcast episodes now, so you could drop your additions there, or track me down on Facebook or Instagram @BeyondMeasurePodcast.

Truth be told, I have four more Truths I was going to add, but maybe I’ll keep those in my pocket for a future episode.

SPEAKING OF FUTURE EPISODES:  We’re gearing up for another Beyond Measure Summertime Conversation Series!  I have been busy recording interviews with INCREDIBLE people, some names you’ll probably know, and others you might not… but it’s a REALLY great lineup and we’ll kick off those conversations NEXT WEEK!

Just like last summer, I will air a conversation here on the podcast, and each episode will come with a BONUS conversation, available exclusively for Patreon Community members. Those conversations are generally more candid, and I can’t recommend them highly enough. You can check out the Beyond Measure SuperFriends Community at ChristinaWhitlock.com/community.

Alright, friends!  Let’s toast ourselves out of here.  Grab the nearest glass and here we go!

Studio music teacher friends from all over the world: I guess it’s safe to say we are ALL human, right?  It’s our greatest asset as a teacher and also our greatest weakness. I hope you were able to see yourself AND your studio families in these descriptions today. May we all move forward, embracing the highs AND lows of our universal humanity. The world is NOT out to get us. Our imperfections and shortcomings are only part of the picture.  This is me, raising my glass to you, my ultra-human friends!  Hear, hear!

That’s it for Episode 217, friends!  Onward and upward, always embracing the human condition!