Episode 218: Cheers to Saying Goodbye When Students Quit

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Well, hello, my teacher friends. Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast. Christina Whitlock here, your host and self-appointed Anytime Piano Teacher Friend.

I have created this space for teachers who need a little more camaraderie in their lives. Here, we celebrate the MANY facets of the Human Condition, and work together to better understand how it applies to Studio Music Teacher Life.

I have built a career on prioritizing relationships and re-thinking the status quo of piano lessons, and I’d love nothing more than to help you do the same.

And now, let’s get on with the show!  You are listening to episode 218 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.

Okay, okay…. For those of you paying attention, I originally promised you we were kicking off the Summertime Conversation Series today. HOWEVER: I changed my mind. Rumor has it, I’m allowed to do that since this is my show.

As you likely know, I run a consultation service for teachers who need a sounding board for their studio-related questions and ideas.  Sometimes there are common themes that seem to strike multiple teachers at the same time, and I usually take that as a sign from the Universe that I need to address that thing on the podcast.

So, here we are today, talking about everyone’s LEAST favorite part of the profession: the fact that sometimes, our students quit. And, many times, they have the nerve to do so before we are actually ready to let them go.  I know. So rude.  (kidding)

This is timely because I know there are teachers out there reeling from families who have announced they won’t be returning to lessons after this school year ends.  If that describes you, I hope today’s episode serves as a reminder that you are not alone and this is not your fault. Having to say goodbye to students before we are ready to do so is, unfortunately, part of the job.

So. I have an old, old episode of this show: it’s episode 39, and it’s called Making Peace with Student Exits.  I have found myself directing clients to that episode SO MANY TIMES over the last few weeks, it seemed logical to go ahead and share the episode again here.

I will confess – sometimes it pains me to listen to my early episodes. The audio quality wasn’t awesome; my delivery is not always the best… so I’m doing something kind of strange today and I’m RE-telling your pretty much the same words I gave back in August of 2021.

For context, as a teacher who prides herself in high studio retention rates, this original episode from 2021 was born out of multiple long-term students surprising me by dropping out of lessons just before our semester got started.  I was feeling ALL the feelings when I recorded this one, friends.

Nevertheless, there’s an unofficial mantra I throw around on this show a lot, and it absolutely applies here. Are you ready?  It’s Not About You.

In the VAST majority of cases, when a student quits, it’s not about you. It’s not about what you did or didn’t do.  So, with all of that in mind, I give you the REMIX version – new and improved – of what was originally episode 039. Here we go.

You’ve likely been there, right?  When a student – or their parent – tells you they’re not going to continue this year… or that they’re quitting mid-semester, or whatever… what is your initial reaction?  Well, if you’re like me, you take it incredibly personally and, most of the time, you have yourself a good cry.  J  Just being honest.

But, I’ve been around enough teachers to know reactions can spiral out in several directions. Some teachers get sad.  Some get offended.  Others can get downright angry.  Some express their disappointment, some try HARD to persuade students to stay.  Some of us react in the most passive-aggressive ways we can get away with.  Some panic, some go silent… but we almost always seem to take it personally on some level.  Am I right?

We ask ourselves what we could have done to have stopped them from quitting.  We second guess our repertoire choices.  Our policies.  Our communication styles.  And, I mean, it’s great to pay attention to these things so they don’t prove to be problematic in the long-run… but actually, I am going to take a somewhat controversial stance today and tell you that, you know what? Sometimes students quit.  And, as much as we hate it, it’s actually okay.

Here’s the deal: any of us who have been teaching for any amount of time already know this – that students who excel in music ALSO tend to excel in lots of things.  They’re often great academic students.  They often love sports and extra-curricular activities.  Many times they come from families who are very involved in their communities.

And, while of course we all pat ourselves on the back and take credit for the correlations between their successes and their music study (I mean, CLEARLY we are a strong contributing factor there, right?) … students with lots of interests and lots of potential in many areas ALWAYS hit a point where they have to choose.

I’d be very willing to bet you feel the same way, right?  I know some of you grew up eating, breathing, and sleeping music… but I think, for lots of us, we COULD have excelled in any number of areas. Along the way, we’ve had to make decisions of what to pursue… and what to put on hold.  What warrants more of our attention and what has lived out its season in our life.  Now, obviously, we chose music – right?  Perhaps we let other passions fall away so we could pursue music more intently.  Or, perhaps we DID continue on, working our tails off, trying to balance it all… all the while driving our teachers crazy, wishing we would FOCUS already.  J

Either way, the process of growing up IS generally one of deciding what to pursue, and what to leave behind.  And, of course, as music teachers, when our students make that unfortunate decision to focus on other things, it stings.  Actually, it can completely gut us sometimes.

Why do you think that is? Do you think it makes us feel like we’ve invested in nothing?  Well, that’s certainly not true… our students are ALL better humans for the time they spend in their lessons and at their instruments.  Whether they’re with you for 6 months or 16 years, your investment in them is never wasted.

Do you think we feel insulted or undervalued when students leave?  One of my core beliefs about the teaching profession is, sad as it may seem, our students are generally a bigger part of our lives than we are in theirs.  At least, in the moment.  Perspective is everything, right?  And students will often come to realize the weight of your impact as they grow into adulthood.  They may know you’re important while they’re with you, but music lessons are only one component of a VERY complex life outside the studio.

If a student’s exit is related to finances, well, I beg you to go listen to Episode 37 pronto.  That’s titled, “Cheers to Money Talk” and serves as your reminder that your studio families’ relationship with money has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their past experiences and priorities.

So – we’ve covered potential feelings of insult, undervalue, wasted investment…. Now let’s tackle the one that I think grieves us the most:  Unrealized potential. Am I right?  As people who spend massive amounts of time trying to bring our students into the very, very best version of their musical selves, aren’t we often SO disappointed when they decide to take a break before they’ve reached their full potential?

Well friends, I don’t know… maybe I’m feeling salty today… but here’s the thing about “full potential”.  How many of our students ACTUALLY ever reach their FULL POTENTIAL?  For that matter, how many of US ever reach OUR Full Potential?  What IS that even?  Frankly, pretty much every student I’ve ever worked with COULD do more than they ever accomplish musically.  There’s pretty much always more to learn and more to accomplish, right?

But here’s the real deal:  In the end, did you create a lesson experience that enabled your student to feel successful?  Have you given them an experience that will allow them to reflect positively on their musical experiences later in life?  Have you equipped them with skills they can grow and develop in the years to come?

If the answers to these questions are yes… then I say, job well done.

Now – make no mistake – this is all coming from the girl who cries at pretty much any student exit.  I attach myself QUICKLY to each student who finds their way on my roster.  My students are instantly some of my favorite people.  But, because I adore them so much, it’s also okay when they make the choice to invest in greater passions.

I mentioned earlier that I’ve had some VERY unexpected drops this year, from some VERY talented, dedicated students.  Families who LOVE me, students who have been incredibly successful, and kids who genuinely LOVE playing the piano.  In multiple cases, honestly, they are actually equipped to go out and do anything they’re realistically going to want to do in their life with this instrument.  And I can sleep well tonight knowing that’s the case.

Now.  Of COURSE – these are all students who had SO MUCH MORE in them.  And, honestly, I expect at least one or two of them to trickle back to me… but truly, as musicians, as human beings, as positive contributors to society, I couldn’t be prouder of these students.  And I DO 100% take some credit for the successes they are finding.

So friends, here’s the thing:  if a student tells you they are leaving, feel ALL the feelings.  You are invested!  These decisions can have huge impacts on our hearts AND our wallets – and both aspects matter.

BUT – I beg you – absolutely BEG you – to consider how you respond to your students and their families.  The END of an experience often plays a HUGE part on how we remember that experience.  It happens with relationships all the time, right?  Not to be morbid, and not that it’s RIGHT – but when you think of a deceased loved one, don’t we often think of the circumstances that led to their departure first?  If you think of a past relationship that went sour – don’t you tend to think about the way it ended first?  For the record, this isn’t the healthiest approach to life.  We should all work on that….  BUT since it IS often the case, we would all do well to consider our reactions when students announce their departure.

The next time a student tells you they’re taking a break – or whatever – take a deep breath.  Feel your feelings.  Remember, in 99% of these cases, this was NOT an easy decision.  There have likely been multiple family conversations taking place, and probably some tears and concerns over disappointing you – their beloved teacher.

Instead of heaping on the guilt, remind them how PROUD of them you are. How much you’ve LOVED your time together and how it just won’t be the same without them.  Tell a sweet story from when they were younger or when they left the audience speechless with an exceptionally terrific performance.  Let them know you realize this wasn’t easy to tell you.  That you don’t take it personally.  That you’re not disappointed in them (you will almost always see a physical sigh of relief!).  That you will always be one of their top cheerleaders, whether they’re in your studio or not.  Celebrate your students for their accomplishments and their discernment.  Celebrate YOURSELF for what you have brought to their life – and, maybe, for how impressively mature you are for handling this so well.  J

And, because you ARE so impressively mature, I have a toast to offer up to you:

Music teacher friends of the world, today we honor ALL the feelings we have as teachers.  We think of those students who have made us the teachers we are today.  Those who come into their musicianship naturally, and those who make us work SO HARD… which, of course, are the ones who actually make us better teachers anyway, right?  Today we give ourselves space to grieve the emptiness we feel when students leave our studios sooner than we’d like, yet we also celebrate the place we’ve held in their lives, and make note of our gratitude for being in a position to show them new parts of themselves, which may have otherwise gone undiscovered.

Cheers to you, my dedicated teacher friends!  Hear, hear….

Thanks again for being part of my community, friends!  If you are interested in spending MORE time together, be sure to check out the SuperFriends Community on Patreon. I love that group with my whole heart AND their support is the only reason I can afford to produce this show.  I’d love to see you over there!  You can learn all about that – and more – in the shownotes for today’s episode.  Thanks friends! As always, I’m here for you as we move onward and upward!