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Episode 230: Cheers to Examining the Encouragement Problem

Well hello there, my studio teacher friends!  Christina Whitlock here, your host, voice of experience and self-appointed Anytime Piano Teacher Friend. It seems there has been an influx of new listeners to the podcast here at the start of a new school year, and I just wanted to take a moment and say WELCOME!  I’m so glad you’re here.  If you love today’s episode, I hope you’ll take a moment and share it with a fellow teacher who could use some more camaraderie in their life.

Today we’re continuing our series about things that distract us from doing our best work.  I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a little emotionally spent after the past few episodes. We’ve really been going for it lately. We’ve examined the trap of focusing too much on business and not enough on teaching, last episode I talked about the temptation to blame all our teacher problems on lack of practice, and today I am taking a deep dive on the idea of ENCOURAGEMENT and why it’s not actually our highest value as music teachers. Oh boy. Am I really going here?  Looks like I am…. Let’s get to it, friends!  You are listening to episode 230 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.

So, we’re talking ENCOURAGEMENT today. Yeah…encouragement: one of the cornerstones of everything I do. It’s no secret, I started this show to encourage other teachers. I’ve built a pretty lovely reputation for the way I encourage my students.

….but I’m going to say something that might sound surprising, especially coming from me:

There’s a problem that comes with Encouragement, and it fits squarely into this series I’m about things that distract us from doing our best work. A lot of us would name encouragement as one of the highest priorities of being a teacher, but I think we miss something really important when we focus too hard on ENCOURAGEMENT.

There’s a critical pre-requisite at play here; an important focus we must have BEFORE encouragement does any good. And that is helping students feel known.

When it comes down to it, students don’t want to be encouraged nearly as much as they want to be understood.  When you try to encourage someone who doesn’t feel like you get them? It’s empty. It doesn’t mean anything to them.

Oftentimes, we think the best way to diffuse negative energy is to say something positive.  In actuality, it’s more important to connect with your student over the concerns they express. Don’t be so quick to dismiss their fears; get CURIOUS about them. Even if you already think you know the answer. Even if it means sitting in awkward silence while your student tries to find their words.

This is something I hear from teachers a lot. They’ll tell me, “I have this student who is so hard on themselves. I do nothing but encourage them but they still don’t see how great they are.” It breaks our hearts, right?

This is why I’m naming ENCOURAGEMENT as a distraction today. I think it’s EASIER to try to gloss over our students’ insecurities with nice words. I think it makes US feel good to know we’ve said lovely things to our students. We’ve done our part, right?

….but if your student doesn’t feel understood above all else? Your encouraging words are falling on deaf ears.

So when teachers tell me, “I don’t know what else I can SAY to this student to get them to understand!” my immediate thought is always… well, try saying less. I’ve said it for years on this show: Talk Less, Play More, Listen Most. Listen to what your student is saying.. and how they are saying it. Listen to what your student is playing and how they play it. True listening is not just about sound reaching your ears, but about perceiving those sounds in their full context. Above all things in the lesson, we should be listening. That’s how we build good relationships, AND it’s how we teach most effectively.

Listen deeply, friends. Listen with your eyes, your ears, and your minds. Every student sitting on your bench is RADIATING communication if we train ourselves to pay attention. We have to put our lesson agendas on hold from time to time during the lesson and LISTEN and OBSERVE the human in front of us.

There are certain things that can seriously erode our student’s sense of being known. If we want our students to know their ideas are welcome and valued, we need to be intentional about looking them in the eyes. About LISTENING to their answers when we ask questions. I’ve done a lot of teacher observations and I’ll tell it to you straight here:  A lot of teachers ask questions because they know they’re supposed to, but they don’t actually pay attention to the answer their student gives. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. If you’re worried this might be you (or even if you’re not), try employing that active listening strategy where you repeat what they say so they hear their own words coming from your mouth.

Last year, I released an episode about “Look at Me” energy vs. “Look at You” energy. I mentioned Kelly Corrigan, who is this writer and podcaster that always gets me thinking. I’ve heard her say there is no higher form of flattery than asking someone a question. And that really stuck with me.

It’s true! ESPECIALLY in today’s world of distraction and multi-tasking and “look at me” energy,  how many times a day does someone ask you a question about YOU? Someone looking into your eyes and asking you what you think about something? Or wanting to hear a story from your week? That is increasingly rare, friends.  It shouldn’t be, but it is. Someone else showing genuine curiosity about you? About your ideas?  It just doesn’t happen that often anymore.

I mean, we live in a world of social media where most people spend their time thinking about what they want to share from their own perspective. Even if you are someone who DOESN’T share things on social media, you can’t escape the fact that others are… and that inevitably turns your own thoughts inward.

We read other people’s ideas to react, not to understand. It’s very much the way our society is conditioned at the present time.

…before you think I’m just going on another social media tirade (been there, done that!), I actually want to point out, the fundamental human desire to be seen and known and understood is EXACTLY what fueled the rise of social media.

The idea of giving everyone a platform… zero barriers to entry… that was a really big deal. We see it now for what it’s become, but as someone who is old enough to remember building MySpace pages, there was something really exhilarating about choosing how you wanted to show up in the world and what you wanted people to know about you. The social media crazy all started off as a very genuine expression of humanity by people who desired to be seen and understood.

Of course, it’s now evolved into everyone developing online personas and shouting into the void, clamoring for likes and shares, but we still WANT to be seen and known.

I say all of this to emphasize how essential it is for us to help our students feel known in their lessons. Not just encouraged – but known.

And sometimes, being known means putting your encouragement aside.

As I consider the future of music study and all its value propositions, I believe the connection found in the teacher-student relationship  the ultimate value of the lesson experience. I’ve been saying that since Episode 004 of this podcast and I think it’s more true today than it was five years ago.

Here’s a familiar scenario: You put a new piece of music in front of your student and they say, “Woah. That looks too hard. No way I can do that!”.  SO MANY OF US default to saying, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s not that hard.” Or “Oh, you can totally do this.”  Right?

That’s encouragement. From our standpoint, we are telling our student we have confidence in them and WE KNOW they can do it.

…but we’re also negating their concern. We’re dismissing their feelings. We’re NOT listening to the whole story.

The better response is, “That’s fair. Can you tell me what seems like the most overwhelming part?”

Of course, we probably already know why the piece looks overwhelming. That’s one reason we don’t ask. We already know what’s freaking our student out. But ASKING THEM gives them the opportunity to feel understood. It also requires them to put their fears into words, which can go a long way towards diffusing them. Especially when we respond in a way that acknowledges their concern.

Small opportunities like this one are the building blocks of a relationship where students feel known.

Understanding this truth: that you can’t truly ENCOURAGE someone until they feel known, was transformational in my earlier years of teaching. After observing my teaching, my graduate pedagogy professor would often say, “Christina, sometimes you say something was good when it was NOT GOOD.”  😊

Guilty as charged, friends.

A lot of us grew into our teaching using what is sometimes called the “Compliment sandwich”. As we give feedback to our students, we start with something good, then give a correction, and then try to follow-up with another positive comment.  Granted, there ARE areas where this is helpful. For instance, on a written evaluation of a student’s performance. If you’re judging a festival, for instance, please DO be mindful of balancing positive and corrective feedback.

…but in the lesson itself, students become attuned to the Compliment Sandwich very quickly. Many of us have had those extra-communicative students in our lives who even call us out, saying, “Just skip the compliment and tell me what I did wrong”.

When your feedback becomes a formula, it’s a problem.

Instead, when a student plays for me, I try to give them the opportunity to describe their playing first. They get the first say. Then, I acknowledge their thoughts and use their insights to fuel the direction of my response.

This is not revolutionary. Many of you do the same. But giving your students a change to weigh-in on their own playing first is a great way to communicate the fact that their perspective MATTERS to you. In fact, it’s THEIR perception of their own playing that matters MOST, right?  What are we training them for if not to reflect on their playing in meaningful, objective ways?

Again, you don’t want this to become formulaic.  Many of us default to a question like, “Tell me something that went well, and something you’d like to improve”. That’s a great one. But, once it becomes expected… it stops feeling like connection from the student’s point of view. I’ve actually compiled a list of 31 questions you can ask students after they play; I’ll link it in today’s shownotes.

Today’s episode has led us on many side-quest conversations…. But at the heart of the matter lies this: You cannot encourage someone unless they feel like you understand them. If a student doesn’t feel like you KNOW them, your encouraging words are easy to dismiss.

A lot of teachers are well-intentioned in their quest to encourage students. We understand the power we hold to be a positive voice in the lives of our students.

…but the pursuit of giving verbal praise sometimes turns into a red herring. We focus on what WE can say to better encourage the student in front of us, when OUR words are not the solution at all. If we want our words to mean anything, we need to show our students that we care about their perspective. This means NOT dismissing their feelings with words we intend to be encouraging. It means slowing down the pace of our instruction and listening… listening with our eyes, ears, brains, spidey senses, whatever…. It means being perceptive to what’s truly going on in the lesson.

Okay, friends, it’s that time: let’s grab the nearest beverage and share a toast!

Studio teacher friends from all around the world, today we recognize the INCREDIBLE opportunity we have to be a point of connection for students unlike anything else in their lives. May we remain mindful – even on the long days… the tired days…. the days that push all our buttons… may we remain mindful that our work transcends the instrument. Our work is to help individuals find their voice. To make music in the most HUMAN way possible. Sigh. It’s good stuff friends, and I’m so happy to be in this with you.  Cheers to ALL OF US who help build up successful communities. Hear, hear.

That’s it for Episode 230, friends!  I have one more installment in this series, and then – I promise – I’ll upload some FUN episodes to balance out all the big, deep thinking we’ve been doing. Don’t forget to check out the link in today’s shownotes for that FREE download of 31 post-playing questions to ask your students. No formulaic questions here!

I’ll look forward to being back in your ears next week!  Take great care. Onward and upward we go!