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237: Cheers to Understanding Perfectionism (for Musicians)

Well hello there, my studio teacher friends!  Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast; your weekly dose of music teacher camaraderie. Christina Whitlock here, your voice of experience and ANY TIME piano teacher friend. Today’s episode is a doozy; we’re talking about PERFECTIONISM and its many problems in the realm of making music. I know this one will speak to you today.

Real quick: If you are listening to this podcast in real time, today is the start of Studio Teacher Thanksgiving!  I started Studio Teacher Thanksgiving four years ago; it’s a weeklong series of video reflections about specific points of gratitude we experience as music teachers, delivered straight to your inbox each morning. AND… because it’s ThanksGIVING, I’m hosting daily giveaways, too. If you’re already on the Beyond Measure email list, Day One’s reflection should be sitting in your inbox now. If you want to join, simply head to ChristinaWhitlock.com/subscribe and I’ll get you on the list!

Okay, friends… let’s get on with the show. You are listening to episode 237 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.

Let’s talk about perfectionism, shall we?

I think we all know the biggest problem with Perfectionism is it makes it difficult to get things finished. As Seth Godin is known for saying, there’s a point at which you just have to ship the work. And perfectionism can interfere with our ability to work in timely, effective manners. For musicians, perfectionism can mean we are not preparing properly, that we are procrastinating, and, frankly, that we are missing the point of making art.

But here’s where it gets interesting:

There are a lot of words that get thrown around in pop culture that have sort of been diluted in meaning. Things like narcissism and gaslighting… those are terms that were originally designed for specific circumstances, but are now used to describe a wide degree of offense, right?  In my mind, the term Perfectionism is another one of those.

We live in a society built on striving, and on standing out. It’s pretty rare for someone to admit they have mediocre standards in life… which leads to the fact that MOST of us would consider ourselves perfectionists.

In fact – I’ve said it here on the podcast before – one of the easiest ways to connect with your students in a moment of struggle is to say, “I’ll bet you really hate making mistakes, right? Me too. We have that in common, you and me.”  It’s a pretty safe comment to make because NO ONE likes making mistakes.

In our achievement-focused culture, people seem to think labeling themselves a perfectionist is just a reflection of their personal commitment to excellence.

You can probably see where I’m going with this… I think a lot of people misunderstand the realities of perfectionism. I’ve been doing my rounds with this lately, too.

I’d like to start out by proposing this is NOT an all-or-nothing personality trait. Some of us operate in perfectionism more often than others, but I don’t think this is a trap that alludes anyone. I think it’s kind of dangerous to label ourselves as Perfectionists because it implies this is how we always are, in every situation. It implies sort of a fixed mindset, rather than a phenomenon that creeps in when we’re not vigilant against it.

For example, I think classical music study *is* something that seems to invite a lot of perfectionism. Ours is a highly-competitive, yet extremely-subjective world that truly exacerbates a lot of what I’m talking about today.

So, friends, that’s basically where I want to hang out today: this place of understanding that the term Perfectionist is often overused, that Perfectionism is NOT an all-or-nothing mental state, AND that our work as musicians is ripe with opportunity for true perfectionism to set it.

Personally, I have a deeply-rooted history with the idea of perfectionism. Here’s a glimpse:

When I was in fifth grade, there was a boy in my class who decided he was going to nickname me Perfection. I’m totally aware there are WORSE names to be called than Perfection, but I assure you: this was NOT intended as a compliment. Far from it.

As it so often goes, this was a boy who was often in trouble… and he set his sights on tearing me down because I always got strong grades and teachers always loved me. He would taunt me with comments like, “Here comes Perfection!” and “I don’t know… why don’t you ask PERFECTION?”

(this is all so funny to be saying out loud)

Well, one day, we got quizzes back from our music teacher and I had missed a point. A single point. And this kid saw it. He went bananas. He grabbed my paper and he was showing everyone he could that PERFECTION MISSED A QUESTION! IN MUSIC CLASS. That NEVER happened.

Here’s where it gets crazy: When I looked at my test, I realized I had actually answered the question correctly. We were naming notes on the staff and there was a bass clef note that I named correctly but my teacher accidentally scored it as though it was in treble clef.

But there I sat:  Did I take the one-point deduction, or did I go show the teacher?  I wasn’t going to say anything about it… but there was this BOY who was being so merciless because I’d missed one point on our music test and I suddenly felt the need to vindicate myself.

…so I took my paper to the teacher and she realized her error. AND THEN: She felt the need to make a statement to the entire class that she had made a mistake and accidentally graded Christina’s quiz incorrectly. She said my streak of perfect scores in her class continued.

Well, friends, vindication did not help me. That incident got my classroom nemesis even MORE fired up. He was so relentless for the rest of that year, and occasionally in the years following.

We can all see the situation as silliness now. But I assure you: in the fifth grade?  Things hit different when you’re 10, friends. This weird position of being told perfection was part of my identity?  Plus the “can’t win” situation of it all:  if I fell short of a perfect score I was clearly losing my edge… but if I achieved the perfect score I was somehow insufferable? No matter what, I was inviting ridicule, and I had no idea what to do with that.

Well, it’s taken a lot of years, but I’ve finally started to untangle my knots around perfectionism and I’d like to share some things with you.

SO: Let’s talk about perfectionism. REAL, actual perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not an obsession with quality control. It’s not about a strong internal desire to do everything with excellence.

True perfectionism is about FEAR. Perfectionism and fear go hand-in-hand. It’s not caring about doing good work; it’s being TERRIFIED of what will happen if you don’t. Specifically, what other people will say or do in reaction to your work.

In other words, perfectionism steals your attention away from the work itself because you get all wrapped up in how that work is going to be perceived.

I’ve always grappled with what I’ve considered the catch-22 of music study: Most of us are successful musicians because we hold ourselves to high standards. At the same time, it’s difficult to be satisfied since we are constantly focused on improvement.  Right?

 I’ve always wondered: Are we, as professional musicians, destined to be skilled, but miserable? Like, is this the plight of our profession? To have abilities but to be unable to appreciate them because we are forever chasing higher standards?

I’m finally starting to realize: the thing that makes us miserable is making music and fixating on how it’s going to be received. To be fighting your way to higher and higher standards only because you want to prove yourself. To be accepted as a “real” musician by whoever is listening. To win the title or pass the exam or please the teacher… I don’t know about you, but those sentiments sum up a ridiculous amount of my experience as a pianist.

If you’ve been around awhile, you know I have a deep love for Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I re-read it every January and even led a book study through it for Superfriends in 2024. It’s on my short list of books I think every human should read.

Brene Brown has a lot to say – in multiple books – about her research into perfectionism. Namely, she makes an important distinction that has taken me awhile to internalize. Brene Brown often speaks about the difference between what she calls Healthy Striving and Perfectionism.

Her research has brought her to this:

Healthy striving is born from internal drive.

Perfectionism is born of the need for external validation.

So: that Catch-22 I’ve always wondered about?  The question of, are we as artists destined to be discontented? This is where that starts to fall apart. This explains why there ARE musicians who actually seem capable of being PLEASED with their musical efforts.

I grew up with a very colorful cast of musical characters in my life. My dad played with a lot of local bands in my very small town and I watched a LOT of musicians with varying degrees of competency make music and enjoy it. Rehearsal after rehearsal… gig after gig.  They knew they weren’t perfect and it didn’t bother them.  I’ve always marveled at that. 😊

So when it comes to the Healthy Striving that Brene Brown talks about, I think most of us in this line of work have a predisposition to that.  I think we find internal motivation to perform better, to connect with our music more deeply, and to express it more effectively.  Those are all lifelong pursuits. There’s nothing problematic about healthy striving. Few things would get accomplished if we didn’t tap into those desires.

So having high standards isn’t the problem.

The perfectionism problem is this: when our motivation is to gain approval – or even moreso, when our motivation is to avoid criticism, we are suffering under an unavoidable burden. Because we CAN’T avoid criticism. It’s outside our control, and there is almost NOTHING in this world that is universally cheered for.

And THIS, my friends, is the problem of perfectionism… especially perfectionism as an artist. The problem is not failing to be satisfied because of our own standards; it’s living in fear of judgement and criticism from others, trying to meet some mythical standard that everyone approves of.

My brain is REALLY GOOD at convincing me there is SOME way to do things, say things, and write things that will remain FREE from criticism and judgement.

And that’s important enough for me to understand as a musician, but it is SO MUCH MORE important for me to understand as a teacher. Friends: many students consider teachers their Keepers of Approval.

I can all-but-guarantee you work with students who approach their instruments from a lens of what will please you.

• Instead of enjoying their music, they think What do I need to do to pass this piece?
• Instead of taking interpretive risks, they make “safe” choices that won’t invite criticism.
• The worth they feel as a musician rests solely on your reaction to their playing.

Can I solve these problems for you in one podcast episode?  Sorry; no.  But I think it’s important to keep this thought on radar so we are doing our part to help build up a new generation of musicians who play to high standards because of their own Healthy Striving; not because they are placing a disproportionate amount of importance on your assessment.

Again, there’s no magic fix, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• Let students offer their opinions before expressing yours.  Did you enjoy playing this piece?  What moment felt the most expressive?  Which measures felt the least secure to you?
• Invite interpretation. Be careful not to dictate every artistic expression to your students. Let them explore, even outside historical standards when possible.
• Remind them your opinion is not what matters most. I love to hear you play, but I’m even more interested in making sure YOU love PLAYING. My opinion isn’t the one that matters here.
• Avoid becoming a “House of Corrections”.  No one benefits when lessons are a constant stream of “fix this” and “fix that”.

So, there we have it, friends.  A very imperfect exploration of Perfectionism. I hope you’ve been inspired to reassess your perspective on this pesky topic. I hope it helps you re-frame the moments when you find yourself moving outside of Healthy Striving. We play music to ADD BEAUTY and HUMANITY to the world; not to prove ourselves or to avoid criticism.  This isn’t a decide once and be done with it kind of thing; we have to monitor ourselves – and keep an eye on our students – to make sure we are not getting carried away with outside opinions.

Let’s share a toast and we’ll get on with our lives!

Studio music teacher friends from all around the world:  May we choose to show up as our perfectly imperfect selves each day, staying mindful of our influence on the Teacher-Student Dynamic.  May our words and actions seek only to empower the musicians under our tutelage, never to assert a disproportionate amount of influence. Hear, Hear!

That was a big one, friends!  Thanks for bearing with me while I process all this business!  Let’s go make some music today and teach our students to do the same.

Don’t forget to get signed up for Studio Teacher Thanksgiving if you haven’t already!  That link is in the shownotes for today’s episode.

Onward and upward we go, friends!