Episode 269: Cheers to Getting Caught Talking About Your Students

Well, hello there, studio teacher friends!  Welcome to your weekly shout-out of solidarity, otherwise known as the Beyond Measure Podcast. Christina Whitlock here, your host and self-appointed Anytime Piano Teacher Friend. I’ve been teaching private lessons for more than 30 years.  I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I DO have a lot of experience and I love unpacking all the human elements of teaching here alongside other thoughtful teachers like yourself. This show is supported by a terrific crew of people I call my SuperFriends, and if you are interested in joining in on THAT fun, membership does come with some pretty great perks. Check out ChristinaWhitlock.com/superfriends for all THOSE details, and in the meantime, let’s get on with the show!  Thanks for listening to the Beyond Measure Podcast.

I have an assignment for you this week. Are you ready? I want you to get caught talking about a couple of your students.

Let me explain…

You know how it’s one thing for someone to pay you a compliment, but it’s even better when they compliment you in front of other people?

There are countless examples of this… but let’s say someone comes to visit you and tells you that you have a beautiful home. That’s nice. I appreciate it. But if we’re out at dinner, talking in a group of people, and someone says, “Oh my goodness… Christina keeps SUCH a beautiful home”…. that feels better, right? It hits differently. For better or for worse, it feels more validating when you receive a compliment amongst other witnesses (especially witnesses you

Like, when someone comes up to you after a performance and tells you how lovely your playing was. That feels good. Of course it’s appreciated. But if you’re out amongst your colleagues a week later and someone says, “I’m still thinking about how beautiful Christina’s performance was last week…”, THAT feels like a higher level of a compliment. After a performance, we sort of expect people to say nice things about how we play. But a week later? In the company of others?  Wow; we MUST have made a positive impression if people are still talking about it.

So, that’s sort of a baseline principle for the day: Receiving compliments in the presence of others tends to mean more than receiving them in private. This is true.

…but there’s something even better, friends…

…and that is when you CATCH someone saying something positive about you when they didn’t realize you could hear them. Let’s say I am at a school event and I happen to overhear someone say, “There’s Christina Whitlock. She’s the BEST piano teacher ever.”  I don’t care who you are; that’s going to make you feel REALLY good, right?  To catch people singing your praises when you’re not even involved in their conversation? It’s so nice! You know they REALLY do appreciate you. There’s no pretense or feelings of obligation involved; you know they mean every word.

Of course, too many of us know the pains of the opposite feeling: overhearing someone saying something NOT-so-nice about you when they thought you weren’t listening… and that’s absolutely the WORST. So keeping that in mind, today’s episode title is probably deceiving. Obviously, when I say I want you to get caught talking about your students, I mean I want you to create opportunities where students FEEL like they are “catching you” saying wonderful things about them, to people whose opinions matter to them.

I hope it goes without saying that, as a general best practice, we should not be discussing our students with other students (or other families). Students deserve to know the details of their lessons are going to stay between you and their parents. I’ve known teachers whose studio dynamics have taken a real hit because they allowed the studio to become involved in someone’s rumor mill. It’s an easy slip to make. I know. I had a group class of teenagers in my studio last week and no matter how hard I tried to keep them on task, they kept bringing up criticisms of certain teachers and certain peers. It would have been easy for me to jump in with sarcastic comments and criticisms of my own, but that is not my place.

I have a general rule with chatty students that I listen, but I don’t contribute to further discussion. Meaning, I want them to know I care about what they have to say. At the same time, I don’t want to derail our time together with conversation so I will listen, acknowledge, and get on with the music.

When you work with siblings or students you know are friends, it can be really tempting to make jokes about, “you should ask so-and-so how HIS practice time has been lately” or “oh I have to tell you what so-and-so said in their lesson yesterday.”  9 times out of 10 (or maybe 10 out of 10?), it’s best to avoid those kinds of remarks. What might elicit a quick laugh in one lesson actually shows that you are willing to talk about other students’ lessons. Small betrayals like that can erode trust before you even realize it’s happening.

So, yeah. I’m assuming that’s pretty much common knowledge, but it doesn’t hurt to hear a reminder every now and then, does it? Don’t talk about your students to other students OR to other studio families, okay?  Keep those comments to yourself; they only fuel negative comparisons and trust issues.  Nothing good comes from that.

As for the rest of today’s episode, again, I want to encourage you to look for opportunities to get caught talking POSITIVELY about your students, by your students.

Here’s why this is so important: We do not realize how many negative remarks our students take in about themselves on a regular basis. Seriously, if you pay attention to the ways parents speak about their children, there is A LOT of sarcasm. A LOT of eye rolling and calling them out for moments where they’ve been less-than-their-best.

This sounds like something only terrible parents do, but I’ve been paying attention… and I think we are ALL prone to doing this.

I’ll give you a silly-but-true example. My 10-year old cannot leave the house without a bag full of STUFF. Actually, I consider us lucky if it’s all in a bag. Heading to church, out on a drive, to the grocery store, wherever we’re going, she is toting an armful of squishy toys, notebooks and markers, lip gloss, stuffies… you name it. It’s coming with her.

If you can’t tell, this drives Michael and I a little crazy sometimes. It leaves her open to losing things, it makes her slow leaving the house, it’s messy… all the things.  And, yes, we’ve set rules on what can leave the house and when… but this is my point for today: the number of comments we’ve made – in her presence – about this trait of hers? It’s a lot. She hears us make comments to each other, she hears us make jokes about it to other friends and family members. It’s all intended in good fun and she laughs right along with us. Obviously, it is no one’s intention to belittle her or shame her for this behavior… but it is one tiny aspect of her life that she knows we don’t understand or appreciate. She knows – even though we laugh about it – that it annoys us.

Here’s why I’m telling you this: here is one seemingly-inconsequential thing that, on some level, she absorbs as a negative perception about the way we see her. This is one, tiny, trivial thing about her. This is to say nothing about times when we have ACTUAL behavior concerns to address (which, of course we do, because she’s 10).

Now. I happen to think we’re pretty good parents who encourage our kids well.  But it’s been on my radar lately to take note of how many sarcastic remarks we make about our girls within their earshot, and it’s kind of a lot. You know how they say it takes 1,000 atta boys or atta girls to erase one negative remark? I’m starting to realize kids internalize a lot more negative comments than we realize.

Before you roll your eyes at me and accuse me of raising snowflakes: yes, it’s good to raise kids who can laugh at themselves and who aren’t too sensitive to critique. The world is a tough place and they need to be able to roll with it. I’m not saying we should treat our children with kid gloves. I was raised in a very sarcastic house and I don’t see me changing my ways anytime soon.

My point is, children hear a lot more criticism than we realize. Sometimes it’s done in their presence, sometimes it’s overheard when we don’t know they’re listening. I’m using my own family as an example here because it’s the only experience I have the right to comment on… but let’s just say, I’ve been seeing this phenomenon play out in some pretty extreme situations that are NOT my own lately and it’s kind of breaking my heart. PLUS, there’s The Internet. Teenagers know what adults say about them and their generation. They are well-aware of the common complaints of “teens these days”. So, not only do they have their own unique experiences with negative perceptions, but they have this sort of generalized chip on their shoulder because they already feel like adults are looking at them with certain assumptions.

All that considered, I want to highlight the opportunity we have as teachers to build our students up. If you think about how discouraging it would be for a student to overhear a negative comment made about them, I also want you to consider how meaningful it would be for them to “catch” someone saying something wonderful about them. Especially when they weren’t part of the actual conversation.

This week, and the rest of this year, I want you to consider ways to “get caught” talking positively about your students.

…to their parents, to your spouse, to your pets… whatever it takes. 😊

I’d like to think we’re all pretty good at complimenting our students to their faces. Some of us (ahem) are probably guilty of doling out a little TOO much praise… to the point where it starts to lose its effectiveness after awhile, right? We’re also probably pretty decent at communicating positive things to their parents (I hope?). The secret here is to create opportunities to let students OVERHEAR you saying something great about them, especially when it’s not expected.

It’s one thing if you are having a conversation between your student and their parent. A lot of students will think you’re just saying nice things for the sake of being nice. It’s another altogether if they know you’ve said something positive outside of their presence. It means more. It just does.

There is an art to this, of course. I’m not telling you to contrive these situations in a way that feels disingenuine. Rather, I’m encouraging you to watch for opportunities and take advantage of them.

There are many ways you can do this:

• Let’s say you’re talking to a parent in your studio after a lesson. Give your student something to do where they remain in earshot. Hand them a worksheet, let them pick out a sticker or something from your prizebox if that’s something you do… whatever. Talk in a voice that’s quiet enough to sound like you’re trying to keep the conversation between the two of you, but actually loud enough for the student to hear. Say something like, “I just have to say: Johnny asks THE BEST questions. I think he is so thoughtful. The way his mind works just blows me away”.

Can you imagine – even as an adult – how wonderful it would be to overhear someone you respect and admire say those things about you? Wouldn’t you leave the room feeling like you were walking on air?

Sometimes, if I don’t have another lesson waiting, I’ll walk with my student out to their parents’ vehicle. They’ll go sit in the backseat, and I’ll talk to the parent in sort of a loud whisper. I’ll be like, “Hey. This was a REALLY good lesson. Like, REALLY good. She is working her tail off and I am so proud of her. I would teach 100 of her if I could.”

The fact that my student is not directly involved in the conversation somehow makes the compliment feel even more genuine.

Obviously, we can’t always get parent conversation time after the lesson. Here are a few other ideas:

• Sometimes I will write a little note. It can be on a sticky note or maybe an index card… but sometimes I will write a quick note during the lesson and I’ll say, “Hey – I need you to give this to your mom for me”. Maybe the note says something like, “Johnny’s playing was so beautiful today it brought tears to my eyes. Please make sure he plays his piece for you tonight. What a musician he is!”. I can all but guarantee you that Johnny WILL be sneaking a peek at that note on the way out to his car. Even if he doesn’t, his mom will surely say, “ooh – Mrs. Whitlock was really impressed with you today!”, which gives our student exactly the boost they’re going for.

Even a simple text sent to a parent can accomplish this. If I send Johnny’s mom a text saying, “Johnny’s technique is developing so impressively! All that attention he’s paying to his fingers is really paying off!”. It is QUITE likely his mom is going to let him know. And, for Johnny, the knowledge that his teacher took time outside of his lesson to communicate something nice to his mom is SOLID GOLD in the teacher-student relationship department.

…not to mention the fact that it’s REALLY good for the parent-teacher relationship, too.

I know – with my own children – I have always valued teachers who communicate the things they love about my kids. As a parent, you desperately want to know your child is seen and understood by their teachers. It’s important, and I am forever endeared to several teachers who were exceptionally good at seeing my girls for who they really are.

Another thing I do every once in awhile is tell my students, “I’m so glad I get to hear you play today. I was just telling my husband last night how much you’ve grown this year and how sensitive your playing has become.”  Even though this is a conversation between you and your student, the fact that I’m reporting having a conversation with someone else can yield a similar result. Again, my student now knows I must REALLY enjoy their playing if I’m talking about it to my husband the night before their lesson.

It should go without saying: As much good as it does for our students to overhear us saying something GREAT about them to their parents? It is even more detrimental for them to hear us saying something NEGATIVE to their parents.

This is not to say we should avoid necessary conversations, but please consider this your reminder to save corrective conversations or concerns for moments when YOU KNOW the student is out of earshot.

I remember talking to a colleague once who was in SHOCK that her star teenage student quitting lessons, seemingly out of the blue. I asked her how lessons had been lately and she told me the student had been struggling to implement a few things they’ve been working on. THEN she said, “I didn’t know what else to do so I made sure to tell her mom how I really needed her to improve X, Y, and Z.” I asked her where the student was when they were having that conversation and she said, “oh she was right there.”

Mystery solved, friends. By and large, our students LOVE us and they WANT to earn our approval, and it’s a special kind of torture to sit and listen to us point out their shortcomings in front of their parents. That’s cutting on many levels.

Again, I don’t want you to think I’m saying that we shouldn’t correct our students. That’s part of our job. But there are a lot of do’s and don’ts about how to offer corrections. Few things are as soul-crushing as witnessing people you love, respect, and want to please discuss how you are not living up to expectations. That is tough at any age, especially in our students’ formative years.

Please save those conversations for a time when you are truly alone. Teacher to student and teacher to parent. Keep conversations between parent-student-AND teacher positive.

I have a colleague who was notorious for telling students they were “on probation” when they weren’t practicing enough. She would march them out and have the probation conversation with parent and student. It comes as no surprise that this colleague also had problems with student retention.

As we begin to wrap today’s episode, I hope it’s lit a fire under you to “get caught” talking positively about your students more than you already do.

I know we all have concerns about today’s generation being too soft. Too dependent on praise and too afraid of hard work.  It’s kind of universal, isn’t it? Haven’t generations been saying this about future generations since the dawning of time?  Growing up, I knew people thought it about my generation. I promise you, kids today feel the judgement, too.

We can’t solve all the world’s problems, friends, but we CAN do our part to shine a light on what’s good in our students. I don’t think that’s a small thing, friends. Helping our students to see themselves as capable learners and sensitive musicians? That’s going to have ALL KINDS of positive repercussions that will resonate in their lives for years and years to come. I hope I’ve inspired you to double-down on meaningful encouragement this week  – and this entire school year.

On that note, let’s raise our glasses and share a little toast before we go!

Studio music teacher friends: Today we raise our glasses and acknowledge the great opportunities that lie ahead of us this academic year. We have countless chances to help students see themselves as capable learners. As beautiful human beings capable of more than they can imagine. We can help build up the future generation, or we can contribute to their struggles. I know we all want to be on the right side of music here. Cheers to us as we face the struggles of busy schedules and frustrations beyond our control. We’re all in this together, friends. Hear, hear.

That’s a wrap on Episode 270, friends!  Take a few minutes and check out the shownotes for today’s episode. I’ve linked a few related episodes there for you if you need a little more where today’s message came from. You can also learn more about becoming a SuperFriend. We’ll meet for another session of Teachers Teaching Teachers this Friday, and we would LOVE to have you there.

Onward and upward we go, friends!  See you next week.