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Episode 39:  Cheers to Making Peace with Students Who Leave

Hello, teacher friends, and WELCOME to episode 39 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.  My name is Christina Whitlock, here for you always as your Anytime Piano Teacher Friend.  For those of you listening in, like, actual time… you might know I’m back with you today after a whopping THREE WEEK break.  J  I told you to miss me while I was gone!  Did you??

Well, it’s been a wild three weeks!  I wasn’t teaching, I wasn’t podcasting… it was such a wonderful reminder that, even when we don’t THINK we need time off… even when we know we “could” keep doing what we’re doing…. We DO, indeed, need it friends.  I can’t tell you enough: schedule your breaks.  Hold them as sacred.  I *could* teach lessons every day.  I love it enough; I COULD technically do it.  But I am SO MUCH BETTER when I take regular time off.

So, how did I spend my little hiatus?  Well, thanks for asking!  I started off really strong: I stayed with three of my favorite piano teacher friends at a cute little AirBnb for, like, FOUR WHOLE DAYS and we watched the NCKP Conference together.  If you’re not familiar, NCKP stands for National Conference on Keyboard Pedagogy. You guys.  It was the best.  So much fun.  SO – I’m bringing this up NOT just to brag that I have awesome friends… but because I know a lot of conferences are still going to be virtual for the upcoming year, and some of the BEST advice I can offer you is to buddy-up and attend some of those virtual offerings TOGETHER.  If it’s safe to do so, of course.  It adds so much to the virtual conference experience if you have people to chat with live.

Anyway – so, I started my break strong, had such a fun and fulfilling time with my pals… came home, tried to cram as many family memories into the next week as we could… see, I have two girls: one who was starting middle school on the 10^th, and one starting Kindergarten.  So we were trying to have ALL the family fun.  And all the back-to-school prep, and all the things.  I mean, those grades equal pretty big changes for both of them, right?  Well… you know what’s even more crazy than having kids beginning kindergarten and middle school?  I’ll tell you: Having one of them test positive for the virus-that-shall-not-be-named-on-this-podcast just days before going back.  Which, of course, means both kids missed their first week of school.  Then my husband – fully vaccinated, mind you – tested positive… then… well, suffice to say, it was just a really rough week.

AND – do you remember all of those amazing plans I told you about in episode 38?  My August group classes, the magic of starting the school year on a group schedule instead of the bazillion individual lessons? All my repertoire planning (which I can only do when my kids are AT SCHOOL so I can focus?)…  well friends…. It’s all out the window.  I had to draft a new schedule for the month, I have to disappoint kids who were REALLY looking forward to their first performance classes in, like, two years… I have to go back to exclusively teaching online for awhile… it’s all just one big pile of yuck.

ANYWAY – I’m just one big pile of cheer here, right?  So… I figure… why not talk about one of our least favorite things in the music teacher community while I’m at it, huh?  Let’s talk about the universal truth of our profession that none of us like talking about:  Sometimes students quit. And, sometimes they do so far sooner than we would like to see.

Let me back up.  Years ago, when I first started feeling compelled to speak to music teacher groups, I asked myself what my niche was going to be.  What was I most successful in?  What could I claim as my strength?  Well, the very first thing to come to mind, and a definite theme in almost all the sessions I present is… retention.  For a long time now, I have kept a very strong record of student retention.

Side note: do you calculate your student retention rates at the start of a new year?  I’d strongly encourage you to do so.  How many of your students who FINISHED lessons with you last spring are back again with you this fall?  This is not just a numbers game… like, it doesn’t matter if you’ve signed on ten NEW students, we’re looking here at SPECIFIC students who continue.

Anyway, for many, many years now, when I compare my roster from the end of the spring term and the beginning of the following Fall term, for a decade or more, my student retention has not dropped below 94%.  That’s really great – and I’m mega-proud of that.  Typically, once a student finds me, they stay with me until they move somewhere (usually off to college).  I’ve had multiple years of 100% student retention year to year.  It’s such a blessing.

But guess what?  This year?  After fielding some very unexpected drops just before contracts were due, I dropped to 88%.  88%…which, because I’m a math genius – haha – means I lost 12% of my students this fall.  For the record, I think that’s still a pretty healthy number.  HOWEVER, it doesn’t feel good to notice I’ve hit my lowest point of student retention since… well, since I started calculating!

Again – I’ve filled the spots, and then some… so this is not a business problem.  But, again, retention matters to me.  It’s one of my pride and joys of my work.  And, while I feel like 88% is still fairly solid, I must confess: saying goodbye to multiple long-term students before I’M ready to do so?  Doesn’t feel good at all…

You’ve likely been there, right?  When a student – or their parent – tells you they’re not going to continue this year… or that they’re quitting mid-semester, or whatever… what is your initial reaction?  Well, if you’re like me, you take it incredibly personally and, most of the time, you have yourself a good cry.  J  Just being honest.

But, I’ve been around enough teachers to know reactions can spiral out in several directions. Some teachers get sad.  Some get offended.  Others can get downright angry.  Some express their disappointment, some try HARD to persuade students to stay.  Some of us react in the most passive-aggressive ways we can get away with.  Some panic, some go silent… but we almost always seem to take it personally on some level.  Am I right?

We ask ourselves what we could have done to have stopped them from quitting.  We second guess our repertoire choices.  Our policies.  Our communication styles.  And, I mean, it’s great to pay attention to these things so they don’t prove to be problematic in the long-run… but actually, I am going to take a somewhat controversial stance today and tell you that, you know what? Sometimes students quit.  And, as much as we hate it, it’s actually okay.

Here’s the deal: any of us who have been teaching for any amount of time already know this – that students who excel in music ALSO tend to excel in lots of things.  They’re often great academic students.  They often love sports and extra-curricular activities.  Many times they come from families who are very involved in their communities.

And, while of course we all pat ourselves on the back and take credit for the correlations between their successes and their music study (I mean, CLEARLY we are a strong contributing factor there, right?) … students with lots of interests and lots of potential in many areas ALWAYS hit a point where they have to choose.

I’d be very willing to bet you feel the same way, right?  I know some of you grew up eating, breathing, and sleeping music… but I think, for lots of us, we COULD have excelled in any number of areas. Along the way, we’ve had to make decisions of what to pursue… and what to put on hold.  What warrants more of our attention and what has lived out its season in our life.  Now, obviously, we chose music – right?  Perhaps we let other passions fall away so we could pursue music more intently.  Or, perhaps we DID continue on, working our tails off, trying to balance it all… all the while driving our teachers crazy, wishing we would FOCUS already.  J

Either way, the process of growing up IS generally one of deciding what to pursue, and what to leave behind.  And, of course, as music teachers, when our students make that unfortunate decision to focus on other things, it stings.  Actually, it can completely gut us sometimes.

Why do you think that is? Do you think it makes us feel like we’ve invested in nothing?  Well, that’s certainly not true… our students are ALL better humans for the time they spend in their lessons and at their instruments.  Whether they’re with you for 6 months or 16 years, your investment in them is never wasted.

Do you think we feel insulted or undervalued when students leave?  One of my core beliefs about the teaching profession is, sad as it may seem, our students are generally a bigger part of our lives than we are in theirs.  At least, in the moment.  Perspective is everything, right?  And students will often come to realize the weight of your impact as they grow into adulthood.  They may know you’re important while they’re with you, but music lessons are only one component of a VERY complex life outside the studio.

If a student’s exit is related to finances, well, I beg you to go listen to Episode 37 pronto.  That’s titled, “Cheers to Money Talk” and serves as your reminder that your studio families’ relationship with money has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their past experiences and priorities.

So – we’ve covered potential feelings of insult, undervalue, wasted investment…. Now let’s tackle the one that I think grieves us the most:  Unrealized potential. Am I right?  As people who spend massive amounts of time trying to bring our students into the very, very best version of their musical selves, aren’t we often SO disappointed when they decide to take a break before they’ve reached their full potential?

Well friends, I don’t know… maybe I’m feeling salty today… but here’s the thing about “full potential”.  How many of our students ACTUALLY ever reach their FULL POTENTIAL?  For that matter, how many of US ever reach OUR Full Potential?  What IS that even?  Frankly, pretty much every student I’ve ever worked with COULD do more than they ever accomplish musically.  There’s pretty much always more to learn and more to accomplish, right?

But here’s the real deal:  In the end, did you create a lesson experience that enabled your student to feel successful?  Have you given them an experience that will allow them to reflect positively on their musical experiences later in life?  Have you equipped them with skills they can grow and develop in the years to come?

If the answers to these questions are yes… then I say, job well done.

Now – make no mistake – this is all coming from the girl who cries at pretty much any student exit.  I attach myself QUICKLY to each student who finds their way on my roster.  My students are instantly some of my favorite people.  But, because I adore them so much, it’s also okay when they make the choice to invest in greater passions.

I mentioned earlier that I’ve had some VERY unexpected drops this year, from some VERY talented, dedicated students.  Families who LOVE me, students who have been incredibly successful, and kids who genuinely LOVE playing the piano.  In multiple cases, honestly, they are actually equipped to go out and do anything they’re realistically going to want to do in their life with this instrument.  And I can sleep well tonight knowing that’s the case.

Now.  Of COURSE – these are all students who had SO MUCH MORE in them.  And, honestly, I expect at least one or two of them to trickle back to me… but truly, as musicians, as human beings, as positive contributors to society, I couldn’t be prouder of these students.  And I DO 100% take some credit for the successes they are finding.

So friends, here’s the thing:  if a student tells you they are leaving, feel ALL the feelings.  You are invested!  These decisions can have huge impacts on our hearts AND our wallets – and both aspects matter.

BUT – I beg you – absolutely BEG you – to consider how you respond to your students and their families.  The END of an experience often plays a HUGE part on how we remember that experience.  It happens with relationships all the time, right?  Not to be morbid, and not that it’s RIGHT – but when you think of a deceased loved one, don’t we often think of the circumstances that led to their departure first?  If you think of a past relationship that went sour – don’t you tend to think about the way it ended first?  For the record, this isn’t the healthiest approach to life.  We should all work on that….  BUT since it IS often the case, we would all do well to consider our reactions when students announce their departure.

The next time a student tells you they’re taking a break – or whatever – take a deep breath.  Feel your feelings.  Remember, in 99% of these cases, this was NOT an easy decision.  There have likely been multiple family conversations taking place, and probably some tears and concerns over disappointing you – their beloved teacher.

Instead of heaping on the guilt, remind them how PROUD of them you are. How much you’ve LOVED your time together and how it just won’t be the same without them.  Tell a sweet story from when they were younger or when they left the audience speechless with an exceptionally terrific performance.  Let them know you realize this wasn’t easy to tell you.  That you don’t take it personally.  That you’re not disappointed in them (you will almost always see a physical sigh of relief!).  That you will always be one of their top cheerleaders, whether they’re in your studio or not.  Celebrate your students for their accomplishments and their discernment.  Celebrate YOURSELF for what you have brought to their life – and, maybe, for how impressively mature you are for handling this so well.  J

And, because you ARE so impressively mature, I have a toast to offer up to you:

Music teacher friends of the world, today we honor ALL the feelings we have as teachers.  We think of those students who have made us the teachers we are today.  Those who come into their musicianship naturally, and those who make us work SO HARD… which, of course, are the ones who actually make us better teachers anyway, right?  Today we give ourselves space to grieve the emptiness we feel when students leave our studios sooner than we’d like, yet we also celebrate the place we’ve held in their lives, and make note of our gratitude for being in a position to show them new parts of themselves, which may have otherwise gone undiscovered.

Cheers to you, my dedicated teacher friends!  Here here….

Okay! That’s it for Episode 39!   Don’t be shy: like and follow and subscribe and do all the things … you can find me at Beyond Measure Podcast on facebook, Instagram, and at [email protected].

I’ll be back with you next Monday, my friends!  Until then, let’s all work hard, rest well, and yeah.  Be nice.  Thanks!