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Episode 61:  Cheers to the Challenging Ones

Hello, music teacher friends!  Welcome to Episode 61 of the Beyond Measure Podcast. My name is Christina Whitlock, and I like to consider myself your Anytime Piano Teacher Friend.  It is my STRONG opinion independent studio teachers NEED more time with friendly colleagues, but we all know that time is tough to come by.  So, that’s why I’m here.  Thanks for joining me today.

I’m often asked what my favorite episode of this podcast is so far… and the truth is, the vast majority of them feel super special to me, so I really can’t pick a favorite.  I will say, though, one of my very favorite TOPICS was tackled way back in Episode number 5.  That was titled, “Cheers to the Quiet Ones”, and centered around those students who are NOT so enthusiastic about their lessons.  The ones who often meet you with a blank stare or are reluctant to smile at your jokes.  Experience has taught me how, even though you can be completely convinced they dislike their lessons based on their body language (or lack thereof), you would often be surprised to know how much they do, indeed, adore you and their lessons.  In fact, the quiet students hold a very special place in my heart.

Anyway, episode 5 is definitely worth a listen (or a re-listen) because we ALL struggle with what to do with those exceptionally-quiet students.

I’m taking a nod from that favorite topic of mine and sharing another – perhaps  more surprising – favorite type of student today.  Let’s just call them The Challengers.  Those students who are probably the MOST difficult to enjoy teaching.  Maybe they’re difficult to keep focused, maybe they’re a touch argumentative, maybe they have super funky technique and appear to have zero control over their bodies.  These students could be exceptionally slow learners, or super sarcastic all the time, or… well, you get the picture.  I’m pretty sure you can envision a student or two from your past (or present) right now, yes?

Well, I’m probably in the minority here, but I actually LIKE having a challenger or two in my student mix.  I feel like it makes me a better teacher.  Mind you, I don’t always like it every second of their lesson – haha! – but there are several contributing factors that make me feel like I’m doing exceptionally good work in this regard.

I can’t say I always felt this way.  But it’s where I am now.

Ha – I’ll tell you a little story.  When I was working on my undergraduate degree, I got hired to teach at a local music store.  I was SO excited to start a new full roster of students, after leaving one in my home town.  So, I showed up for my first round of lessons with BIG ENTHUSIASTIC Teacher Energy.  I was READY to do my very best work and build a new round of superstar students.  First up, was a TINY little boy named Stephen.  I still remember his last name, but I’ll keep that one to myself. 😊  Anyway, Stephen had an older brother and sister who took lessons at the same store, and it was explained to me that they were GREAT students, from a musical family, who really prioritized it.  So I was EXTRA excited to begin building my new little piano empire, beginning with terrific little Stephen, destined to follow in his siblings’ footsteps.  Well.  Stephen came in and played a quick little piece.  I praised him for his fast little fingers, and then suggested we go back and play it again, this time paying attention to the dynamic markings in the score.  That’s all I said, I promise.  Well. All of a sudden, I swear, time slipped into slow motion and I watched as this TINY little boy spun his legs over the side of the piano bench and KICKED ME right in the shin.  Like, HARD!  And, of course, there is… what… 18? Maybe 19? Year old me thinking, “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

I honestly can’t even tell you what I did from there.  I do know Stephen never kicked or attempted to injure me again… but he was certainly NOT my favorite student, and the second I was able to pass him off to another teacher in the studio, I did.

In hindsight, I wish I knew then what I know now.

Let’s talk about REAL truths about Challenging Students.

I think the most helpful thing to understand about students with challenging behaviors is this: they are not just challenging for you. Meaning, they are all-but-surely displaying these challenges at school, and in any other activity they are pursuing.  So, #1, it’s not personal.  It’s not you.  But, even more importantly, you have to consider how they are used to being treated by adults in similar positions.

Here’s an example: I had a student a few years ago who struggled – and I mean STRUGGLED to get through the school day.  He was in a good school with teachers I love. But, his inability to sit still and “stay focused” made him a REALLY challenging student in the classroom.  And school teachers – bless them – are just not equipped with the resources they need to handle their entire class AND a student like this.  As a result, he had endured some VERY poor treatment at school.  I’m talking a lot of isolation, discipline that revolved around shame and guilt, all the things that seem logical in the moment, but research shows is actually quite harmful – and CERTAINLY not effective.

So.  I did not know about these challenges initially, but any kind of conversation pertaining to school made it painfully obvious he had a very hard time.  I think back to my own elementary school experience.  We all knew who the “bad kids” were.  And those were labels that STUCK.  It breaks my heart in hindsight, actually.

But now I have this kid in my studio.  And what I realize early on he has not had ONE POSITIVE relationship with a teacher in his 5 years of schooling thus far.  He’s never once felt like a teacher has seen good in him. He’s never felt like they find him intelligent or clever or a good friend or any of those positive things.  And he is, ALL those things.  And I become determined to make sure he knows it.

I realize that sounds very altruistic on my part.  And I certainly wasn’t perfect about it, but after an initial phase where he tried anything and everything to push me over the edge, we slowly gained a rapport, and he learned I wasn’t going to give up on him.  We grew to have a very good working relationship.  Now, his lessons were still pretty chaotic – I mean, this guy was dealing with a STRONG case of ADHD and his parents were only then beginning to seek the help he needed to cope with those challenges.

I actually have video evidence of the magic I worked with this student.  We were preparing to record a duet, and the camera is rolling, and this student is – of course – hamming it up for the camera.  He is making faces, jumping around, speaking all these nonsense syllables… I mean, it’s pretty nuts.  But, I sat down on the bench beside him, simply put my fingers softly on his shoulder and said, “Are you ready?”  He immediately sat tall, his eyes focused on the page, and he plays his entire piece BEAUTIFULLY”.  It’s one of my very proudest moments of teaching ever caught on camera.  I won’t ever share it publicly out of respect for him, but it shows how successful a simple look or touch can be.

Friends, if I could give you ANY advice when you’re working with behaviorally-challenged students, it’s to avoid any kind of language that heaps guilt or shame on them.  That’s a whole episode topic in itself, but research is VERY clear that guilt and shame do not work.  They don’t work in our criminal justice system, they don’t work in the political arena, and they don’t work in music lessons.

I also don’t want you to be a doormat. It’s important for you to set boundaries.  If I had a little Stephen who kicked me again, his parent would be immediately brought in on the conversation, and I would calmly but firmly explain that type of behavior would not be tolerated a second time.

If you have students who are being disrespectful to your instrument or your property – that is something you have to address right away.

But matters of attitude, eye rolling, whatever those may be… the chances are VERY strong the student is defaulting to defense mechanisms they’ve come to lean on in school or at home.  Give them time.  Tell them you’re not giving up on them. Make sure your actions match your words.

I certainly can’t commit to a studio full of these students, but I will take two or three on a year because I think our opportunity to connect with these students in particular are some of the most important chances we get to make a difference in the lives of our students.

Think about it:  The students who are easy to love in your studio are probably easy to love elsewhere.  They’ve never had to struggle with questions of whether or not teachers see good in them. They’ve not had to resort to extreme measures to gain attention.  I love these students as much as anyone, but when all is said and done, I can’t help but wonder if my impact on the lives of students in the opposite position just might mean more.

This particular student stayed for three years and then decided to take a break.  But I’ll tell you: I ran into him at a sporting event this past fall and this now 14-year old boy just THREW HIS ARMS AROUND MY NECK when he saw me in a way that is quite uncharacteristic of 14-year old boys.  😊 It made my heart just explode.  Those hours we spent together, he and I, they were well spent.  He will look back on his memories of piano lessons with happiness and that means the world to me.

I can’t tell you enough, friends:  Teach the human sitting across from you.  The person who walks through the door is the person you need to teach.  If they’re having a hard time controlling themselves, it’s not a great day to explore fine details.  It might be a better day to sing or move or do rhythm work.  It might be a good day to explore repertoire.  Play a few pieces for your challenger and see what they like.  You might be surprised what you find out.

If you’re more frustrated with their progress – or, lack thereof – please know: there are no set standards for progression.  You may have taught your entire studio to read staff notation using one system, but there ARE going to be students that system doesn’t work for. That’s not an invitation to think frustrated thoughts about them; it’s an invitation to think differently.  Consider your students’ perspective. Come at concepts from a new angle. This is what I mean by becoming a better teacher through these students.

So, if you find yourself with a Challenger or two in your student mix this year, I hope this little pep talk has helped you commit all over again to providing them with a meaningful experience.

You can still command respect, and also be understanding of a student’s exceptionalities.  It’s not easy, but it’s really important. Consider what life is like in their shoes, and see how you might be able to help.

And, before we go, let’s raise our glasses and toast one another in deep solidarity for the challengers among us:

Music teacher friends of the world, today we wrap our arms around each other and give a collected hug of understanding.  We have a lot of students out there who will drive us crazy.  We want to communicate so much information every lesson, it can be frustrating when we don’t get through the amount of information we hope for.  We worry about what parents will think of us and our skills.  We wonder how many more of THOSE lessons we have left in us.  We think we don’t have to put up with this.  And, truly, we don’t.  BUT – if we’re able to summon the patience and the strength and the encouragement to help these students see the good in themselves, we will be responsible for accomplishing something that is truly great.  May we remember, by and large, kids do not behave badly just for the sake of behaving badly.  There really is a reason.  If you make the choice to work with a challenging student, may you be encouraged by the fact you are doing important work in the life of one who others may give up on more readily.  Cheers to you, my life-changing teacher friends.  Here, here.

Thank you for listening to episode 61 of the Beyond Measure podcast!  If you love the content you’ve received here, please consider supporting my endeavors over on my Patreon page.  Every Time I get a new subscriber I do a little happy dance.  So, if you want to make me smile today – and get some pretty great content in return, head over to patreon.com/beyondmeasurepodcast. The link is in the shownotes, or you can send me a message on social media at Beyond Measure Podcast.

Onward and upward, teacher friends!  Let’s make it a good week.