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Episode 246: Cheers to Avoiding Cynicism in Teaching

Hello my teacher friends!  Welcome to the Beyond Measure Podcast.  My name is Christina Whitlock and I created this space for studio music teachers who need a weekly check-in with someone who gets it. Count on me for a dose of teacher friendship any time you need one. I’ve got your back… and if you want to connect with MORE like-minded teachers who are rooted in support and not in judgement, I hope you’ll check out the SuperFriends Community on Patreon. It’s a low-maintenance crew of teachers who will blow your mind with their empathy, experience, and ideas. You can join SuperFriends at any time by checking out ChristinaWhitlock.com/superfriends.

And now, let’s get on with the show!  You are listening to Episode 246 of Beyond Measure, Cheers to Avoiding Cynicism in Teaching.

Here’s the truth about teaching: it can wear you down.

You see it most readily in school teachers and university professors, right? People are exhausting. And since people ARE our job, it’s easy to get worn out dealing with excuses and unmet expectations and apathy and monotony.

Especially as music teachers, we found this career because we have an unshakeable passion for making music and when we’re not met with the same enthusiasm from our students or their families?  It’s jarring, and it’s discouraging.

I often quote a favorite line that came from one of my first pedagogy students. She said, “I just expected to be teaching kids who were more like… me.”

Sigh. If only, right?

As I record this episode, it’s the middle of the winter, at the end of an absolute slog through the month of January, and I can’t help but feel like the vibe of a lot of teachers I know is heavy. And tired. And sad.

For the record, it’s totally okay to feel those things. It’s actually IMPORTANT to feel those things. I’m not suggesting you brush those emotions under the rug. Don’t do that.

But there’s an important part of teaching that people don’t talk about enough: We don’t spend enough time connecting the dots between our feelings and their actual causes.

Here’s something you may or may not know. My sophomore year of undergrad, I actually decided to drop my music major and start studying social work. I’d been in kind of a depressive episode and the easiest thing to point to was this demanding piano performance major or mine, so I convinced myself music was making me unhappy. I told my professor, he let me skate by with a really light jury at the end of the fall semester, I was starting paperwork to change my major… all the things… and then it hit me. I wasn’t any happier.

See… this music thing we do is SO rich with emotion, it’s easy to assign all our feelings to it, even the ones that don’t belong to it.

Once my sophomore self realized music wasn’t the root of my funk, I happily continued with my music major and the rest is history.

I’m telling that story because teaching is such emotionally-demanding work, it’s easy to end up on a real rollercoaster of feelings without fully understanding why. Which, of course, leaves us NO CHANCE to improve the situation because we don’t fully understand the situation.

And that emotional rollercoaster can result in a real cynicism about teaching. And cynicism about our work leads nowhere good, friends.  So that’s why I’m here today: to help you properly assign your emotions to the right places. At least, as good as a girl can do on the internet.

There’s a quote from Howard Thurman that I love. Thurman said, “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

That’s easier said that done, right? But friends: WE are the people who actually have a chance at doing that. WE are doing work that – at least at some point in our lives – made us come alive.

And, when done right, music lessons exemplify so much of what’s good in the world, we owe it to our communities to do everything in our power to avoid cynicism about our work.

Several of the things I’m going to mention today come from past episodes of Beyond Measure. I’ll link some relevant episodes in today’s shownotes so you can take a deep dive if you need one. However, I thought we could ALL use a shot in the arm as we head into a busy season, so here we go.

The first step to avoiding cynicism in teaching?  Stop trying to impress everyone. This also means, stop worrying about what everyone is thinking about you. The truth is, no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. 😊

Stop worrying about what your colleagues think about your teaching. Stop trying to prove yourself to people who have already opted into your studio.

Whether you’re caught up in fear of what others are thinking, or you’re going out of your way to try and give a shinier-than-usual impression, just stop.

You know what feels really good? Teaching great lessons. Being confident that you just made someone’s day better because of the music you made together. Figuring out EXACTLY what was holding your student back from understanding something and watching the lightbulb FINALLY go on. I mean… wow. There’s nothing better than that stuff, right?

…but if we’re constantly worried about what other people think about our teaching, we’ll miss those moments.

…if we sit through our own studio recitals and worry about whether so-and-so’s parents are going to think these performances are good enough, we’re going to miss all the little victories that are taking place right in front of us.

I’ll tell you something I noticed years ago: some of the unhappiest days of my teaching career took place after competitive student events. Even when my students came out on top, there were days I just felt terrible after those events. It took me awhile to figure it out, but…OF COURSE the problem was my hyper-fixation on what everyone was thinking about me.

If you’ve been around here for awhile, you know what’s coming… it’s my husband’s impression of Dr. Phil.  Friends, when it comes to those public performance days, it ain’t about you! And if you are fixated on what people think about YOU as your student is putting themselves out there in performance, I’m going to tell you – with all due respect – your attention is in the wrong place.

So, yeah… tip no. 1 to stave off Teacher Cynicism? Stop trying to impress everyone. Just teach lessons you’re proud of. That’s when everyone wins.

Moving on – let’s talk about boundaries, shall we?

Here’s the truth: Your studio families are going to make the choices they feel are best for their families. This means, yes, they are going to stick to their guns on their scheduling requests. They are going to have ideas of what reasonable tuition and studio fees look like. They will choose a studio that feels like the best fit for their family. That’s what families do.

AND – it’s precisely what YOU should do, too.  A LOT of cynicism in our work comes from teachers who feel as though they’ve been taken advantage of one-too-many-times. Yet, in the end, a lot of us are the ones who AGREED to the situations that left us feeling unappreciated and we should not hold our studio families accountable for that feeling.

20 years ago I was absolutely the teacher who thought she had to do everything studio parents wanted. I taught at odd hours of the day, I was constantly rescheduling lessons, I would change my personal plans to fit my ever-changing work schedule… and it was making me miserable.

If you want to make it in this profession long-term, you need to set clear boundaries that work for you and your family. The right studio families will find you.

I know it’s hard to tell Johnny’s mom that you can’t accommodate her scheduling request, but if you are going to be resentful of agreeing to it? That’s a no, my friend. Just say no.

Next up on our tour through avoiding cynicism?  Let’s talk about the SHOULD’S.

I meet with a lot of teachers through 1-1 consultations and there’s usually one word that brings them to me: SHOULD.

“I feel like I SHOULD be doing more of this…” or “I feel like I SHOULD be using that curriculum” or whatever. And, sure, sometimes those shoulds are true.

But none of us are going to make lasting change just because we SHOULD.

If you are someone who is drowning under the weight of something you think you SHOULD be doing but aren’t, the first step is to REALLY flesh out why you think you need to be doing that thing. If you don’t have a good answer, I’d reconsider how important that SHOULD is.

I probably don’t have to tell you that SHOULDS are often fueled by comparison. And comparison is a whole mess in the teacher profession.  There’s such a fine line between being inspired by one another, and feeling inferior to other teachers you consider to be better than you.

Friendly reminder, folks: NONE OF US have it all figured out. What you see on the outside of our studio is the tiniest fraction of what goes on in our studio on an everyday basis.

So, watch our for those SHOULDS, friends.  They might be calling you to something better, but they also might be self-doubt in disguise.

Lastly – if you want to avoid becoming cynical in our profession, you have to get really clear of what you can, actually, control.  Oh yes, friends, I’m talking about The Zero-Energy List.  The Zero-Energy List is my most downloaded episode of all time, and that is no real surprise to me.

Here’s the gist if you don’t know that episode: There are three things I refuse to spend mental energy on: How studio families spend their money, how they spend their time, and how they parent their children.

I have no control of any of those things. Any energy I spend griping about how families spend their time, money, or parenting is a total waste. No good comes from it.

If I choose to work with a family (again, boundaries!), then I’m going to assume they are doing their best. It really is that simple.

The truth is, there are a lot of other things that should go on the Zero-Energy List. We are all guilty of taking TOO much responsibility for things beyond our control sometimes. Like our students’ POTENTIAL. Ah, that’s a good episode for you, too. As teachers, we get all caught up on the weight of potential, as if ANY of us ever max out our potential for anything.

Sigh.

It’s hard, but we do need to reality-check ourselves sometimes and figure out what is driving our discontentment. Allowing our cynicism to grow over time is NOT the way to become a better teacher, or to enjoy this work long-term (both of which matter to me).

I hope today’s episode has served as a reminder to keep studio matters in the right perspective. I’m going to wrap us up with a toast today, so we can get on with a GREAT day of teaching, right? 😊

Studio music teacher friends from all around the world: Today, we raise our glasses together as we remember it’s not about us. May we collectively agree to stop trying to impress those around us, to set boundaries that best serve our own families, to investigate the SHOULD feelings floating around our psyches, and to consider our own personal Zero Energy Lists. It’s a tall order, but it’s the work that will keep us in this profession for the long-haul. Cheers to you, my friends!  Hear, hear.

Thanks again for listening to episode 246, friends.  Again, there are multiple episode links in today’s shownotes so if any of these points resonated with you today, be sure to go take a deep dive through the archives on Beyond Measure. You’ll also find a link to become a SuperFriend in the shownotes for today, as well. Thanks again for being the best audience a girl could ask for!  Until next week, friends, onward and upward.