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Episode 124: Cheers to Knowing When to Say Goodbye

Hello there, studio teacher friends.  Christina Whitlock here, your host and Anytime Piano Teacher Friend, here to help you navigate the wild waters of our chosen profession.  I’m so happy you are here.  The question of the day is this:  How do you know when it’s time to part ways with a student?  Hmm.. that’s a big one, isn’t it.  Well, that’s what we’re talking about today in episode 124 of the Beyond Measure Podcast.

Ooooh boy.  Let’s talk about breaking up with a student.  For starters, I just have to say this: you know how I title every episode of this podcast, “Cheers to…. Whatever?”  In general, I like that… but there are also times it makes titling an episode pretty much impossible.  And that is definitely the case with today’s topic.  Like, it feels so wrong to say, “Cheers to Dismissing Our Students”… like, I might as well be saying, “Cheers to Kicking students out of your studio”. 😊   Anyway – that’s neither here nor there, but I wanted you to have a little peek behind the curtain over here.  I settled on Cheers to Knowing When to Say Goodbye, which is about as good as this is going to get.

MOVING ON.

Here’s the premise I need establish:  I need us all to realize that the balance between what we expect and what we get from our students is kind of always in flux.  I mean, if you are in a situation where you need all the students you can get, your criteria is going to be a lot different than those who only want to work with a specific type of student.  As your studio fills up, your criteria will likely begin to evolve. For that reason, it’s impossible of me to hand you a definitive checklist for when your students need to be asked to leave your studio.

When you’re in a dating relationship, it’s pretty common to talk about deal-breakers, right?  Like, the non-negotiables we are NOT willing to deal with in relationship. Well, studio relationships are no different. We are all going to have our own sets of studio deal-breakers.  Today, I’m sharing mine.

I also want to point out the fact that our own perspectives on this topic are often shaped by our closest colleagues in this profession. If your mentors or teacher friends are quick to dismiss students over specific behaviors, their ideas are likely influencing yours – and vice versa.  Likewise, if you’re involved in online teacher groups or if you follow teachers on social media accounts, you have to understand the content you consume carries an untold amount of influence.  It’s one of the reasons I’m SO careful with the content of this podcast.  I always ALWAYS want it to be a source of encouragement and acceptance for teachers because I’m not interested in contributing to the opposite in our work.

Here’s what I mean:  let’s say you are involved in multiple conversations with other teachers about … oh… let’s go with shoes.  Let’s say you have three or four separate conversations with teachers (online or in person) regarding how insistent they are that students take their shoes off when they enter the studio. You’re very likely to feel like YOU, TOO, must require students to take their shoes off.  I mean, by your perspective, EVERYONE ELSE does, too, right?  Well, not quite.  There are ALSO a lot of teachers who do not want to deal with stinky feet, therefore they require shoes to stay ON.  I’m not here to argue one way or the other.  I’m just here to remind you there are good arguments on both sides of that issue, and that means YOU have to decide what works for YOU.

Assuming ANY aspect of your teaching needs to look the same way as other teachers is generally not rationale I’m going to support.  I’ve been there, done that, with lots of criteria.  Things like, “oh… a real piano teacher requires a student to have THIS kind of instrument and doesn’t put up with anything less.”  Or…. “a real piano teacher enforces a policy that looks like THIS and would NEVER put up with THAT..”

Well, the truth is, there are LOTS of reasons why it’s good for students to have specific types of instruments to learn on. And there are LOTS of policies that benefit teachers AND their students.  So yeah, it’s good to hear those perspectives.  But, at the end of the day, we have to decide what works for us.  Because – someone WILL teach the kids with less-expensive instruments.  And the policies that work for some of us will NOT be a good fit for everyone.

So what on earth does ANY of this have to do with dismissing students?  Well… I think it’s easy for us to get up in arms quickly over issues we hear others complaining about.  I talked a lot about this way back in episode 34: Cheers to Online Engagement, and I happen to think that’s an episode worth a re-listen.  I’ll link it in the shownotes for this episode.

When it comes to questioning whether or not you want to teach a student anymore, it’s important to decide what YOU want to do.  Not what you think others would tell you to do, or what you the industry standard is; but what YOU want to do.  Is dismissing this student going to bring you more peace of mind?  Are you going to sleep better tonight?  Or are you just feeling uninspired?  IS there a possible resolution to this concern that could allow you to keep the student?  Or do they need to go?

That is your big question. Because if a student is causing you to lose peace of mind, or interfering with your ability to meet your own needs (including financial needs), they probably should go.

As for me – I have very few actual deal-breakers.

I know a lot of other studio teachers who hold very specific criteria around lesson attendance, weekly practice goals, home instruments, technology requirements, event participation, etc.  And, really, I understand why they have those boundaries in place.  I understand the benefits to the students who have these things in place, and agree they are absolutely the best way to set a piano student up for success.

But personally, as it stands now, I wouldn’t choose to end a studio relationship over any of those things. But that’s largely because those obstacles don’t feel insurmountable in this season of my teaching.  If my primary goal was to build a studio with a particular reputation for high-levels of performance, I would absolutely have to consider these things more carefully. And I’ve been there, done that… but it didn’t feed me the way my current studio vibe does.  My current goal is to provide anyone on my studio roster with the best musical experience I can give them.  And I’ll foster them in all the best directions I can, and I’ll talk to parents about the importance of consistency and quality until I’m blue in the face… but at the end of the day, I operate under a philosophy that each family is paying me good money to help develop the musical skills of whoever happens to be in front of me at any given moment.

1. Does that mean I will put up with anything, as long as the tuition keeps getting paid on time?

Weeeellll… not quite. 😊

I talk a lot about Teacher Magic on this podcast… and when I say that, I’m always picturing Capital T and Capital M Teacher Magic.  Teacher Magic is all that warm, fuzzy, innovative energy we bring to our students.  It’s the stuff that solidifies you as a favorite teacher in the minds and hearts of your students. It’s what makes you a presence in their life they will ALWAYS remember.  It’s something we, as teachers, give freely and with abandon. And, as long as my Teacher Magic is flowing, I will teach a student forever.  But – if I start to feel that electricity start to short-out?  That’s when my internal alarm bells go off and I know we need to assess the situation thoughtfully. I need that spark of Teacher Magic to be effective in my work.

And – in my experience – there is one thing that kills off Teacher Magic pretty much in one feel swoop.  Any guesses as to what that is?

I don’t know about you – but for me, that’s being disrespected. Or having my intentions questioned. Notice I said my intentions being questioned, not my methods.  I’ve talked to many teachers over the years who take offense to this, and that’s not me. I don’t mind educating parents on my philosophy behind why I do things the way I do, but I’m also very confident in the effectiveness of how I teach.

But – I’ve spent a lot of time on this podcast talking about symbiotic relationships: how I need my studio relationships to be deeply-rooted in mutual respect. I need to know families understand I bring value to their lives, and in turn, I communicate very clearly the value they bring to my lives.  I am grateful to have a business dependent on families in my community. And I truly don’t mind bringing 110% to my teaching game each week – unless, of course, I get the distinct impression that a family no longer finds value in what I’m doing. At that point, my Teacher Magic pretty much fizzles down to nothing and it’s clearly time to move on.

Fortunately, this is almost NEVER a problem.  In almost 28 years of teaching, I can still count on one hand the number of instances where my Teacher Magic has evaporated into thin air.  Many, many years ago, having a pair of siblings whose mother gave me a months’ notice that her children would not be continuing past the end of the semester.  These two children were already less-than-enthusiastic, and, despite having some natural inclinations for music, it was clear this was not ever going to be their passion.  Well, once mom gave that month’s notice (which I appreciated, of course!), those siblings became surprisingly disrespectful.  I was trying with all my might to wrap things up on a high note, but it was apparent they knew their time was limited, and they were DONE. So, I gave them the best lesson I could, and then I politely let the mom know I didn’t see any value coming from their remaining weeks in the studio.  That ended that.

I had another situation a few years ago, where I had a parent become SO blatantly disrespectful over a series of communications… I’m talking name-calling and the whole nine-yards.  I loved this student so much, and it destroyed me to let that relationship go, but I knew my Teacher Magic was gone once this parent made it obvious she did not value what I brought to their lives. These are the times when you have to step back and remember this is a JOB.  For so many of us, it’s also a lifestyle and a calling and so much more… and I totally get that… but there is no amount of money worth sacrificing my self-respect.  So that was a relationship I had to walk away from.  And I shed a LOT of tears over that one.

Another form of disrespect a lot of us deal with from time to time are families who will frequently try to bargain with you or ask for discounts and exceptions and make little quips about how expensive you are.  I’ve learned to call that stuff out as best I can.  A lot of parents will try to make light of it, but at the end of the day, if I have to regularly field comments about how much money I’m costing a family, I will take the uncomfortable step to address it. It is not good for my mental health if I have a family on my roster who makes me feel as though they question the value they get for their money.  Fortunately, that is not something I deal with very much at all; it’s just something I know consider a potential deal-breaker.

So, friends – that was a lot of words to basically say two things:  (1) Establish deal-breakers that truly suit YOU.  Sometimes the frequency of online communication makes it easy to start thinking we’re SUPPOSED to end studio relationships when they reach a certain point. You don’t HAVE to end a relationship just because you know other teachers who would. Okay?  Please don’t, in fact.

(2) Consider what Teacher Magic feels like to you and how you know YOUR spark has gone out.  If there is anything within YOUR control to flex on, give it a try.  But – at the end of the day – things like attitudes toward lessons or the financial situations of others – are 100% NOT IN YOUR CONTROL.  If you have a student or a family costing you your mental health, it’s important you move on. It’s definitely not easy, but it is necessary.

Phew.  Oooookay.  SO. With that – let’s grab the nearest glass and have a little collective toast here, shall we?

Studio music teacher friends from all over the world, today I encourage you to prioritize your OWN peace of mind when it comes to your work.  If you are in studio relationships that make you feel uncomfortable, or make you feel under-valued, you really need to explore what there is to be done.  Maybe there’s a solution that allows you to keep your student.  If there is, by all means, please explore that.  Otherwise, remember this IS, indeed, our job.  And I don’t know a tuition charge out there that is high enough to justify trading your peace of mind for. Sigh.  These are the things we aren’t told about when getting into our teaching careers, are they?  It used to seem so simple, didn’t it? 😊  Hang in there, my teacher friends.  I’m raising my glass to you today, recognizing the difficult scenarios we find ourselves in from time to time.  Here, here.

That’s a wrap on episode 124, friends! I hope your week is looking full of Teacher Magic and all good things. Let’s stay quick to explore options OTHER than dismissing students from our studios, yet always staying centered on our own individual missions.  Your peace of mind matters, my brilliant friend.  Onward and upward toward better understanding the boundaries that enhance our lives!